I just went to poop without my phone & had to entertain myself with a magazine like a god damned caveman.

If the devil was smart he would have challenged someone in a state less likely to have good fiddle players.... Like Rhode Island or Utah.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitches in tampon commercials.

These generic frosted flakes are ooooooookay.

I have a black belt in leather

It's hard telling how many Kleenex I've fathered.

My wife was such a cock block at the bar last night.

Whatever happened to vodka flavored vodka?

I don't get out of the shower to pee..... in fact sometimes I pee in the shower even if I'm not in it.

It doesn’t matter how many bible verses you post on the Facebook it’s not going to wash away our memory of you being a whore in high school

You better check yourself before it autocorrects it's self.

Hey young lady, talking like a whore will only get you so far on here...... eventually you're going to have to say something funny.

On twitter someone says they shit their pants or just jacked off, you follow them...... in real life you back the fuck away.

Don't waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide..... no one ever brings them back.

I just caught my shadow doing that jerk off motion thing while I was explaining Twitter / Favstar to my wife.

Tonight on Facebook - Nobody can wait for the weekend.

Your kid's kids are going to laugh their asses off at the pics you took of yourself in the mirror.

I found a vibrating flash light in my wife's underwear drawer but I can't figure out where the bulb is.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn't tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Hey guy with no shirt on in his avi....... you're stepping in douche bag