A white cat crossed my path & it fucking exploded

I was feeling nostalgic…… so I stole a Star Wars guy from the store.

A hung jury……. is a jury of my peers

I just let a fart smells like homemade sin

I was being facetious when I said you were quite the sesquipedalianist

I’ve got to pee so bad….. the woman that has the Men’s room closed for cleaning can taste it.

I said “is is” in that last tweet because I fucking meant it

The last 17 seconds of the basketball is is the longest 45 minutes of my life

When you point your subtweet at someone there are 3 subtweets pointed right back at you!!

I can’t ever remember if barbed wire tattoos were designed to keep the douchebag from getting out….. or to ward off anymore douchebagerie

Devil on my shoulder - 5
Angel on the other one - 3

I slammed my dick in a flip phone one time…… someone walked in on me taking pics

Once you go white…. you’ll want to fall on a stalagmite

@melissabrealz I’m going to report you for being wasteful

Has Canada retired from hockey altogether or are they just in another rebuilding decade?

@isoremarkable probably over pizza then they go throw up together

Just last Fall I was eating the Candy Corn like it was growing on trees…. now it’s so hard to find

Most people never heard… Chad the Stoned, Jesus’s 13th Apostle was dismissed for sitting in the back & mumbling stuff like “cool story bro”

@texasweethang don’t thank me until you see the bill

I never win anything….. my luck is so bad I even have to attend the 2nd baptist church