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My hero is Matthew McConaughey when he’s old enough to regret that speech
Hot Tub Time Machine 2 comes out Christmas Day. Happy Birthday Jesus!
IT IS ALMOST TIME! Season 7 of Childrens Hospital premieres TONIGHT at 11pm EST on ADULT SWIM. Can you dig it?
Hey hipsters. Thanks for making Bluegrass cool again. What really shitty thing are you going to pretend to like next?
Was just told that #childrenshospital is not STREAMING on Netflix. Will work on that. In the meantime, just fucking steal it.
If I wanted to see Ellen do a stand up routine I’d… I can’t think of a joke because I’d never want to see that.
News flash: Instagram servers are down. Hot girls in front of mirrors left purposeless.
This epic defensive battle has served to remind us that the greatest quarterback of all time is Tom Brady.
My wife, telling the kids about our upcoming trip:
We'll go see Elvis's house. You guys know who Elvis is?
My 6 yr old: ELVIS DUMBLEDORE?!
All in all, this was a pretty solid 9/11.
Good luck today to both the Green Bay Probably-Nots and the Washington Stubborn Racists.
The sound guy lost his mind when Darlene Love started singing.
My nine year old daughter: "The second McDonalds hits my mouth it's like I've gone to hell." She's not a fan.
Kim Novak had plastic surgery on her voice
If you check your phone while we’re talking, I will smack it out of your hand. Second offense? I light you and your family on fire.
Just heard that Tracy Morgan stole my "stabbing my gay son in the face" material". What a fag.
My life is exactly like Glee, minus the singing & dancing & high school and most of the gay stuff.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's gonna die. Have a story ready.
I am a gentleman
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