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My hero is Matthew McConaughey when he’s old enough to regret that speech
Hot Tub Time Machine 2 comes out Christmas Day. Happy Birthday Jesus!
Hey hipsters. Thanks for making Bluegrass cool again. What really shitty thing are you going to pretend to like next?
Was just told that #childrenshospital is not STREAMING on Netflix. Will work on that. In the meantime, just fucking steal it.
If I wanted to see Ellen do a stand up routine I’d… I can’t think of a joke because I’d never want to see that.
News flash: Instagram servers are down. Hot girls in front of mirrors left purposeless.
My wife, telling the kids about our upcoming trip:
We'll go see Elvis's house. You guys know who Elvis is?
My 6 yr old: ELVIS DUMBLEDORE?!
All in all, this was a pretty solid 9/11.
The sound guy lost his mind when Darlene Love started singing.
Kim Novak had plastic surgery on her voice
If you check your phone while we’re talking, I will smack it out of your hand. Second offense? I light you and your family on fire.
Just heard that Tracy Morgan stole my "stabbing my gay son in the face" material". What a fag.
My life is exactly like Glee, minus the singing & dancing & high school and most of the gay stuff.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's gonna die. Have a story ready.
Ellen’s rules of stand-up: 1. alienate the audience 2. Stutter a little 3. Blow it
Is Clint Eastwood running for president? Of Detroit? #halftime
Better Call Saul is on. I’ve enjoyed hating the Grammys!
The worst thing about working with a nine year old is that she doesn't get any of my 9/11 jokes.
I am a gentleman
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