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Hey hipsters. Thanks for making Bluegrass cool again. What really shitty thing are you going to pretend to like next?
Was just told that #childrenshospital is not STREAMING on Netflix. Will work on that. In the meantime, just fucking steal it.
News flash: Instagram servers are down. Hot girls in front of mirrors left purposeless.
All in all, this was a pretty solid 9/11.
Just heard that Tracy Morgan stole my "stabbing my gay son in the face" material". What a fag.
My life is exactly like Glee, minus the singing & dancing & high school and most of the gay stuff.
Is Clint Eastwood running for president? Of Detroit? #halftime
The worst thing about working with a nine year old is that she doesn't get any of my 9/11 jokes.
If you have a flash based web site I hope you rot in Internet jail.
Just introduced my five year old daughter to Joni Mitchell's Blue. Fuck you, future boyfriends!
When shopping for pants, comfort is the most important thing. That and how my dick looks.
I would prefer that the sun die forever than apply sunscreen to my children one more time.
Pornstars! Want to know your real name? Take the 1st name on your birth certificate and add it to your dad's last name! I'm "Rob Corddry"!
I resolve to spend a lot of the new year as I spent all of today: pantless.
Today is Autism Pride day. It started at exactly midnight last night, June 18, 2011. Temperature 57 degrees. I'm wearing my red shirt.
5 year old asked how many seconds until we leave for playground. Wife said "a bazillion". 5 year old left, counting. Is that child abuse?
Gone in Sixty Seconds #describeyourpeniswithamovietitle
Thanks for the day off, Jesus!