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Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My hero is Matthew McConaughey when he’s old enough to regret that speech
7yo daughter: My nose is a booger museum and my fingers are the visitors.
Me: ...are you a genius?
Granted I don't know a lot about it but it seems to me that Bigfoot should be called Bigwholebody
-Yeah, you have superbugs.
-Can you get rid of them?
-No, I'm just an AP article, my job is to stir shit up.
Hot Tub Time Machine 2 comes out Christmas Day. Happy Birthday Jesus!
IT IS ALMOST TIME! Season 7 of Childrens Hospital premieres TONIGHT at 11pm EST on ADULT SWIM. Can you dig it?
Found a bottle of ambien and an empty bag of bbq chips in my bedside table, so I guess my superhero origins story is ramping up
My flight leaves from gate 69. Everyone there better like high fives
Wife: I had a Tumeric shot today
Me: Stanley Tumeric?
Wife: Don't talk to me like I'm Twitter
I went ahead and walked through that spider web, so that's one less everyone else has to worry about
Hey hipsters. Thanks for making Bluegrass cool again. What really shitty thing are you going to pretend to like next?
Was just told that #childrenshospital is not STREAMING on Netflix. Will work on that. In the meantime, just fucking steal it.
Me: have you ever seen In Bruges?
Wife: no, but I've seen Natalie Imbruglia
Me: I love you
Attention Staff, THANK YOU #ChildrensHospital fans! Your love for the show kept us loving it. That is all. https://twitter.com/vulture/status/705800548130410496 …
What ice cream problem was Dippin Dots trying to solve?
If I wanted to see Ellen do a stand up routine I’d… I can’t think of a joke because I’d never want to see that.
Let’s meet early Monday for show business planning
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