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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
Ted Cruz is a bunch of silly putty stuck to the skeleton of a Salem witch trial judge who was killed in a fire lit by his favorite slave.
First Easter without Zayn :(
People make fun of Ben Carson but he did brain surgery on me in 2006 and I'm here to say that potato chimcham luna pop canoe town fimpy.
You're literally the most famous living racist in the world. https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/741590381503086592 …
As far as I’m concerned, the scariest thing to come out of the Muslim world is algebra.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
Wifi at my uncle's funeral is a fucking joke.
USA • #CATASTROPHE Season 2 is now on @AmazonVideo: http://amzn.to/1SuUNL2 @SharonHorgan and I write it.
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