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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.
Guns don’t kill people. People who say “Guns don’t kill people” kill people. With guns.
Which Mumford is the dad?
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
Fucking gonna kill myself over the Justin/Selena breakup. This is so fucked. The world is a toilet at a state fair. God is dead. AIDS.
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
I'm so mad at these refs I'm gonna go to Foot Locker & shit on the floor!
Disappointed Obama didn't halt global warming? Then you should definitely punish him by giving Paul Ryan the keys to your daughter's uterus.
May I ask everyone who follows me, without exception, to RT this voting info for all 50 states? http://vote.barackobama.com/en/?choose-state=true …
I didn’t “like” The Dark Knight Rises; I JOSEPH GORDON-LOVED IT!
“I was gonna vote for [insert candidate] but after watching the debate I’m going to vote for [that exact same candidate.] - Everyone
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Comedian, Writer, 6'3 217 lbs. Get my new game, War of Words, at http://say.ly/UgM5OpN