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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.
Guns don’t kill people. People who say “Guns don’t kill people” kill people. With guns.
Even though Zimmerman was found not guilty, I still don't recommend armed vigilantism, stalking and/or manslaughter, i.e. the things he did.
Which Mumford is the dad?
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
Fucking gonna kill myself over the Justin/Selena breakup. This is so fucked. The world is a toilet at a state fair. God is dead. AIDS.
I'm so mad at these refs I'm gonna go to Foot Locker & shit on the floor!
Chinese babies must be like "Fuuuuuck…" when they realize they're gonna have to learn Chinese.
Disappointed Obama didn't halt global warming? Then you should definitely punish him by giving Paul Ryan the keys to your daughter's uterus.
As far as I’m concerned, the scariest thing to come out of the Muslim world is algebra.
Comedian, Writer, 6'3 217 lbs. Buy my book, ROB DELANEY: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage: http://t.co/Ss5b8D9kCB