@robdelaney's (rob delaney) most faved Tweets...
I love stretch marks on a woman. They let me know she's bursting at the seams with hot ladymeat & I better put my bib on.
Did you know that you can simply shave off your "soul patch", and it won't be on your face anymore? Just like that!
Kittens are God's way of saying "Relax assholes, JC & I got this. Plus it's totally OK to be a homo. Now let's dance."
Thanks to the Lists feature, I can now use the yellow stars for " favoriting" tweets, instead of identifying Jews.
When I get home before my wife, I can literally become PARALYZED trying to decide whether to masturbate or eat a whole pizza.
Ever unload your whole grocery cart at checkout but then realize you left your wallet in a burning car w/ your family?
Is there a small child you hate? Teach them the days of the week out of order. Effective, horrible, not illegal.
Just killed a dude on the subway for clipping his fingernails. Cops were like "Way to go; that shit is gross. Here's an award."
There are a few reasons not to be a pedophile. But let's not forget the most important: Children are bad at sex.
NOTHING says "I am batshit, incapable of relationships, bad w/ money, & cannot be trusted" like colored contacts.
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