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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
Fucking gonna kill myself over the Justin/Selena breakup. This is so fucked. The world is a toilet at a state fair. God is dead. AIDS.
Which Mumford is the dad?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Guns don’t kill people. People who say “Guns don’t kill people” kill people. With guns.
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
Chinese babies must be like "Fuuuuuck…" when they realize they're gonna have to learn Chinese.
I quit drinking 11 years ago today. Wanted to let you know that’s an option if your life is a booze toilet. I’m 62,000% happier. Thanks.
I didn’t “like” The Dark Knight Rises; I JOSEPH GORDON-LOVED IT!
As far as I’m concerned, the scariest thing to come out of the Muslim world is algebra.
Disappointed Obama didn't halt global warming? Then you should definitely punish him by giving Paul Ryan the keys to your daughter's uterus.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Comedian, Writer, 6'3 217 lbs. Get my new game, War of Words, at http://say.ly/UgM5OpN