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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
Wifi at my uncle's funeral is a fucking joke.
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
Germany, relax! They're not Poland.
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.
"There's a lion."
"I love it already."
"And a wardrobe."
"WELL SIGN ME UP MOTHERFUCKER."
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Uh oh, I heard a noise in my bathroom. Better empty a powerful firearm through its door.
Even though Zimmerman was found not guilty, I still don't recommend armed vigilantism, stalking and/or manslaughter, i.e. the things he did.
Chinese babies must be like "Fuuuuuck…" when they realize they're gonna have to learn Chinese.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Read my book, ROB DELANEY: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage: http://www.robdelaney.com