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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.
Even though Zimmerman was found not guilty, I still don't recommend armed vigilantism, stalking and/or manslaughter, i.e. the things he did.
Chinese babies must be like "Fuuuuuck…" when they realize they're gonna have to learn Chinese.
Which Mumford is the dad?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I'm a father of 2 & I would love for there to never be another abortion but I support a woman's right to have one ALL DAY LONG MOTHERFUCKER.
I always wear a lifejacket to the club in case my dance moves unleash a pussy juice flash-flood.
Fucking gonna kill myself over the Justin/Selena breakup. This is so fucked. The world is a toilet at a state fair. God is dead. AIDS.
Guns don’t kill people. People who say “Guns don’t kill people” kill people. With guns.
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Comedian, Writer, 6'3 217 lbs. Buy my book, ROB DELANEY: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage: http://www.robdelaney.com