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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
Wifi at my uncle's funeral is a fucking joke.
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
Germany, relax! They're not Poland.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
As of today I've been sober 13 years. 13 years ago I was in jail in a wheelchair, naked. Today I'm not! Thanks to those who've helped me.
Crazy to think that the eyes you're reading this with will one day be ripped out of your head by a chimpanzee you thought you could trust.
"There's a lion."
"I love it already."
"And a wardrobe."
"WELL SIGN ME UP MOTHERFUCKER."
What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.
As far as I’m concerned, the scariest thing to come out of the Muslim world is algebra.
If you specify you went to "Whole Foods" instead of "the grocery store," get the fuck away from me & my family.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Watch CATASTROPHE, the new show @SharonHorgan & I made: http://www.channel4.com/programmes/catastrophe
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