@robdelaney 55hrs ago I ran over a flock of bison with my big truck because I sneezed and a little shit came out.

think we'd all enjoy chihuahuas a little bit more if they didn't act like they were JUST raped

I'm the fattest I've ever been and my nude body now looks like an over microwaved hot dog that got dropped on a barber shop floor.

"Sir did you know you were going 35 in a 25 mph zone" *rookie partner pukes*

*too embarrassed to buy dildo*
*buys 3D printer*
*makes gun*
*holds up dildo store*

I like to eat my own crap

orange you glad I didn't ask about your sister's suicide

Spring break!!!!!  http://instagram.com/p/YxlrQmo2Ru/ 

Pumpkin should look into getting a year round flavor license much like cranberry did in 1991.

There's really no need to bring your dog to the airport. He'll be fine at home. Do your teary reunion in private. Have some dignity.

I bet Roger Ebert's giving hell a thumbs down.

@robdelaney woman fuck, on average, eight spiders per year in their sleep

Hooters finally hired me but I have to wear a smock to cover up my weird nipples

"Don't worry baby I took money from lobbyists to vote against the gun bill to spend more time with you" said the senator to his fave hooker.

Palestine should be renamed R.L. Stine because the idea of living under Israeli occupation gives me goosebumps

Are there glory holes for just holding hands?

commerce empire gender rinse repeat

I guess my dream job has always been to shovel black jelly beans into a whirlpool that turns into Charles Grodin then all my teeth fall out.

I call Radio Shack "Radio Snack" because whenever I'm in here I'm feasting my eyes on these technology

you and me pic.twitter.com/iZX7iJLmqe