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The way journalists now employ "fact checkers" is like a major league pitcher hiring a "ball thrower." I thought it was part of the gig.
-- Italian father asking his daughter if her new boyfriend bowls
"Why don't I just go fuck myself." -- Jim Lehrer #debate
Steve Jobs quits unexpectedly. Just like Safari.
Sarah Palin has quit her bus tour half-way through. Golly, I hope she's okay. That doesn't sound like her at all.
12. 12. 12. -- Ryan Lochte trying to count to 13.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt officially engaged. I wonder if they'll have kids.
Love that there's talk of banning midnight screenings instead of say, banning assault rifles.'Cause, u know, the late nites are the problem.
Disney buys Bill Cosby. Releases Leonard Part 7.
It's nice to know that if I ever die prematurely, my friends can find someone on my "Similar to You" page, & carry on like nothing happened.
Somewhere, some guy woke up this morning thinking the world had nothing left to show him. Scarlett Johansson just saved his life.
Fear? I don't know the meaning of the word. (Looks up fear in dictionary) Oh that... Yeah, no, I have that constantly.
If u think I'm gonna spend a lovely day like this streaming old movies on Netflix 'cuz I'm hungover... I forget where I was going with this.
This sketch cut from SNL dress last night makes me giggle, a lot. @tarankillam http://www.hulu.com/watch/486609?playlist_id=1031&asset_scope=all …
Ravi Shankar dies, bringing the number of living sitar players you can name to zero sitar players.
Right now, George W. Bush feels like me when I walk away from a slot machine after four hours and some douchebag wins five grand.
Do any of you have any bitch shit fuck tits ass cock literature about Tourette's? I'm asking for a friend.
Writer of half-hour situation-based comedies for the television box since 2001. Currently on Impastor, coming to TV Land June 2015