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If I ever get married I'm gonna get a vasectomy and not tell my wife, so when she gets pregnant, Boom! Caught!
"@tequilatears: Whenever I'm at dinner with other people I pretend like I'm choking so I can chug my wine" @haleyscribner
Where are all these OKC fans coming from? None of you are from Oklahoma & I don't remember there being this many Sonics fans a few years ago
No one has said anything negative about me in a while... Time to call my dad!
Just found out that "fist pumping" doesn't mean masturbating. Guess I've been doing it wrong at all the clubs. Fuck.
The rain is so romantic. I'm standing outside your window, soaking wet, naked, and furiously masturbating.
If I tell you I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time expect me to be at least an hour late.
An insect just rocketed up my nose. I think I can still feel it in there. Brb, cutting off my nose, will soon look like Voldemort.
My parents get mad when I remind them that their monthly health club membership fees cost more than my rent.
Whenever I pass a really fat girl on campus, I say loudly to myself, "I'd fuck her."
Stream of consciousness.
