You know how at the end of every Home Improvement it would say: "Based on the comedy of Tim Allen"? What do you think they meant by that?

Drugs are not the answer to questions like what is the capital of Greenland. It's probably Bjork.

"Durr der durr burr on all my checks" - That's you. That's how you sound.

.@mittromney on behalf of the Jewish community, go fuck yourself.

This. This is what happens when Jesus leaves us on our own for over 2000 years.

What do you mean I can't be in a relationship with my butthole?!! Make that 499,999,999 friends, Mark Zuckerberg.

I would give my left nut for Lance Armstrong's left nut in some sort of nut for nut exchange.

Awarding Miss America to Nebraska is just gonna perpetuate the mistaken belief that Nebraska is part of America.

My nipples are being particularly adorable today.

Guys, I need like a million favors from you and they're all Cheetos.

Ughh. I broke one of my own rules today. Don't murder people Robert.

Did you guys know that there are non-whites in the UN?

u talkin lik u shit but u aint shit.

I'm worried about what Charlie Sheen's recent behavior will do to the 9/11 truth movement.

What's the name of the Akon song where he's all "I wanna fuck you"? I feel like that right now, but with oreos.

Someone just asked me to describe what love is and told me not to use the word nachos. Wtf?!?!

Kevorkian is dead. Gretzky's assist record is safe.

I have pressed the crosswalk button 20 million times in my life, and I've gotten where I needed to go 20 million times faster. Coincidence?

Haters gonna hate, Robert's gonna eat oreos probably.

i cured cancer last week and posted it on google+ but no one saw it which is why there's still cancer.