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If you truly love someone, then you must be willing to set them free. And if they fly back to you, then they're dumber than you thought.
Men are from Mars, women are from Satan's asshole.
What do you mean you're not on Facebook or Twitter?? How the fuck am I going to stalk you? Ughh....I better get the van warmed up.
I like to drive like nobody's watching.
We should take a moment to remember the many who have died from Oscar-fever.
At the Roosevelt Hotel and I only hate 80% of the people I see. Not bad.
Very jealous of that kid on the cover of Time. My agent warned me that I might be too old for that job.
Need to go on a diet. Woke up this morning with chocolate all over me, looked like I got titty fucked by a Snickers bar.
In honor of Titanic sinking 100 years ago I'm going to masturbate to Kate Winslet and lie down in an ice filled bathtub. #TitanicRemembered
I'm on this new diet now. It's called "I'm always fucking hungry".
I wish one day it would rain scorpions in LA so people would have a real reason to be upset about the weather.
This GOP battle would be much more interesting if it involved a knife fight dance off to the death.
Last day of vacation for me but I'm not going to cry because I'm a man and I only cry when I re-watch The Notebook every Saturday night.
"I am an evil entity which must be destroyed! But first.....hug me?" - Every girlfriend I've ever had
Actor, Comedian, Writer, And hiding outside your window.