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If you truly love someone, then you must be willing to set them free. And if they fly back to you, then they're dumber than you thought.
What do you mean you're not on Facebook or Twitter?? How the fuck am I going to stalk you? Ughh....I better get the van warmed up.
We should take a moment to remember the many who have died from Oscar-fever.
@melindahill "Without laughter, stand-up comedy is just a sad person talking." Holy shit, that might be the funniest thing ever.
Very jealous of that kid on the cover of Time. My agent warned me that I might be too old for that job.
Need to go on a diet. Woke up this morning with chocolate all over me, looked like I got titty fucked by a Snickers bar.
In honor of Titanic sinking 100 years ago I'm going to masturbate to Kate Winslet and lie down in an ice filled bathtub. #TitanicRemembered
I wish one day it would rain scorpions in LA so people would have a real reason to be upset about the weather.
Take a good look America, soon we may never see them again. I hope you're happy! http://t.co/uorO8avE
This GOP battle would be much more interesting if it involved a knife fight dance off to the death.
Last day of vacation for me but I'm not going to cry because I'm a man and I only cry when I re-watch The Notebook every Saturday night.
"I am an evil entity which must be destroyed! But first.....hug me?" - Every girlfriend I've ever had
The moment a girl I'm talking to mentions the word boyfriend it takes approximately .0000001 seconds for my brain to go back to Star Wars.
Actor, Comedian, Writer, And hiding outside your window.
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