If you’re holding your baby & I walk up and hug it, according to the NFL replacement refs, you have to give me your baby.

Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

9/11 Conspiracy:
9+11=20
20=2 dimes
Dimes rhymes with mimes
Mimes dont speak
Dont speak =Gwen Stefani
Gwen Stefani married the guy from BUSH

Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.

Obama walks out, opens his jacket to reveal an nWo shirt! Hall & Nash start spray painting flags. Biden hits Wolf Blitzer with a chair.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

My favorite song is the one where Nicki Minaj sounds like a frightened deaf guy reading a Mad Lib.

In West Philadelphia born & raised/ through my anus is where I got most of my AIDS
- Tom Hanks in ‘Philadelphia’

Roses are meh, violets are whatever, everything is bland, whatever, this is boring. - Kristen Stewart's Valentine's Day Card

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

I hope Scott Pilgrim never has to fight all of Taylor Swift’s exes.

Joe Biden has interrupted Paul Ryan so many times his closing statement is going to be about how Beyonce has the best video of all time.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way we found Nana. RIP

Roses are dumb, violets are dumb, stop dating my mom Rick, you’ll never be my dad I hate you.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

Tony Romo walks off the field & tosses his helmet in anger, only to have it intercepted by a Redskins linebacker & returned for a touchdown.

Congratulations to Kanye & Kim Kardashian! This is the 3rd most fingers she’s ever had inside of her at once.

Kids, don't forget to leave a glass of Coors Light & some Skoal out tonight or Toby Keith won't leave you any presents under your 9/11 Tree.