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The only good part about choking to death on Teddy Grahams is your family can technically say you were killed by bears. Which sounds cool.
Was partying on my jetski and found Osama's body floating. Now we're doing some 'Weekend at Bernie's' waterskiing stuff. Timeless!
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
To all my ex-girlfriends who send me holiday cards w/ pictures of their kids...I get it...you fucked up.
My free, self-esteem building seminar is canceled for today because everyone that signed up is a piece of shit.
Why the fuck haven't Turkeys caught on to what happens around this time every year? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES DUMMIES!
It'd be pretty cool if Shark Week started off tonight by flooding the stadium and attacking the Olympic's closing ceremonies.
My business card says, "Forgot my name mid-conversation and thought you'd glance down for it? Well fuck you."
Just for tonight, I emptied out my waterbed and refilled it with Diet Coke. Because I deserve the fucking best.
Some cop just pepper sprayed me while I was sitting on my couch watching Occupy protesters on TV.
If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.
My grandfather, who we thought died of cancer 12 years ago, just walked in the front door and yelled 'April Fool's!'. He got me.
Whenever I feel like I've fucked up my life, I look around for a guy with a face tattoo and feel so much better.
It'd be pretty funny if the Storage Wars people opened up a locker that was filled with nothing but killer bees.
'Netflix Watch Instantly' is another term for 'super-deep-slippery-hole-slide-down-don't-stop-sliding-you-can't-get out-now-it's-tomorrow'
I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.
I give medicinal cocaine to baby animals
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