My biggest fear is that Twitter is really 17 people with a gazillion accounts each and that I'm still basically talking to myself here.

I think flags across the country should be flown at half-mast to mourn the loss of common sense.

In modern romantic terms, "I like you more than I like my phone" is one of the sweetest things anyone can say to another person.

Just give me 5 minutes alone with you, and I'll spend the last 4 & a half minutes apologizing.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you feel like a full blown homicidal psychopath.

Based on your behavior, I'm not sure if the medication has worn off or kicked in.

One of my favorite words is 'sidetracked' because it is just so...






...does that cloud look like a puppy to you?

Woman on my route tells me to 'have a good day' & to 'stay out of trouble'. Pick one lady. Either or.

Wanted to jerk-off when I got home today, but there's no clean laundry around. Dammit, I've been sockblocked.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

The stupids are out today. In real life, not here. Everyone on Twitter is a fucking genius. Well, at least everyone I follow, anyway.

Growing up means going from milk & cookies to beer & hash brownies.

It's a testament to the power of Twitter that I care more about dozens of people I've never actually met than hundreds I know in real life.

WARNING: Friendships made on Twitter are closer than they appear.

A woman on my route says she's not on Twitter because she's got nothing to say.





Good thing that's never stopped any of us…

If your biggest problem is that someone used "offensive language" in your presence…



you lead too much of a charmed fucking existence.

Someone needs to make the Mayan 2013 calendar. Just to prove a fucking point.

Those sad, lonely old people you see talking to themselves in the parks or on the streets?




Write down what they say, GREAT tweet ideas.

Whaddya mean, "you don't text"? How the fuck do you communicate with people? Talking?!?

I like to go to Target wearing a red shirt & tan pants just to give wrong information to already confused shoppers.

Helps me sleep better.