My biggest fear is that Twitter is really 17 people with a gazillion accounts each and that I'm still basically talking to myself here.

Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

Which came first: the boob avi, or the guy jerking off to it?

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you feel like a full blown homicidal psychopath.

One of my favorite words is 'sidetracked' because it is just so...






...does that cloud look like a puppy to you?

Slept more today than in any single day in the past year. To call today "glorious" would begin to scratch the surface of bliss I feel now.

You chicks with your boob avi's got nothin on the half-naked fat man who just answered the door out here on my postal route.

:(

I think flags across the country should be flown at half-mast to mourn the loss of common sense.

Those sad, lonely old people you see talking to themselves in the parks or on the streets?




Write down what they say, GREAT tweet ideas.

No worries about forgetting any portions of your drunken stupors while vacationing in Vegas. The police reports will fill in all the blanks.

I live in a world where stupidity is encouraged. It's not a zombie apocalypse I fear; what I fear is the rise of The Walking Brain-Dead.

I'm beginning to think I may have butt-followed some of you.

WARNING: Friendships made on Twitter are closer than they appear.

I've got two mallards, but I'm keeping them both for myself.


I don't give a duck.

My failed brakes bring all the mechanics to the yard.

Having a blast sitting with some new friends who I've actually known for quite some time now.

Arrived at San Francisco hotel at 2:30AM, exhausted.


Me: I'm not gonna shower, I'm too tired.


Her: Please shower. We were in Oakland.

Looking forward to the time of my life when the time of the day doesn't dictate my actions.

Every once in a while you should pick your head up from your phone and enjoy nature.

Like, say, this tree I just walked into, for example.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.