I'll buy an iPhone once there's a "find a drug dealer near you/compare prices" app. I have to pay off the phone and maintain a coke habit.

If you don't know every word to Gangsta's Paradise you are a shit American.

I just pushed my little sister out of my tiny basement window so she could sneak out. After I started smoking with her I kind of gave up.

White Staten kids are really stepping up their rap game now. I'm totally not laughing at you. Seriously.

Someone come over and smoke a bowl with me in bed and cuddle and watch Tim And Eric. Just kidding. I'm a strong and independent female.

Whenever I leave my house I make sure I look like a total dirtbag just in case I see someone I know.

My consistent lack of hashtags just portrays me as a total bamf who doesn't play by the rules.

I hate when I drink because I get cat eyes and I look like a cat.

I have to get ready to go to dinner with my mom's entire family in an hour and all I've done so far was get really, really stoned.

I'll never forget the name of my first player in Pokemon for Gameboy. "Stev." What exactly "Stev" is, I will never ever know.

I just got to the club and everyone looks like Simon Birch. I need some alcohol in me so I can bump their status up to Verne Troyer.

Basically, Animal Crossing was a game of skill, wit, and "oh my god I have no fucking real life."

What's drugs, my dealer?

I'm 4'10". I'm too close to hell to care about you and your feelings.

With the amount of yoga that I do, most expect that I contort myself into a pretzel shape and go into hiding inside of my own vagina.