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Die Hard 5: John is 85 and in a retirement home. An OAP has hatched a plan to steal more mash potato. The nurse is asleep. McClane is back.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I am going to get a tattoo of a key on my forehead and then run head-first into all closed doors shouting "I'VE GOT THIS!".
Not had sex for ages - my mate said "It's just like riding a bike" so I fell into a bush and cried for my Dad. She didn't appear to orgasm.
And then Twitter was #overcapacity. And all the people left their houses and stared up at the sun. "I think I'm your neighbour" said one.
Give a horny and hungry man a fish and he'll eat for a day, give that man a mermaid and he'll have to make some pretty tough decisions.
I hit my head on the corner of an entire room decked out to adhere to the rules of Feng Shui. I was taken away in an ambiance.
When life throws bricks you are going to wish to fuck you hadn’t bitched about the lemons.
I once said to a girlfriend "come to bed" but she must have thought I said run off with Dave. I should have used clearer diction.
Goodnight Twitter. You take the first watch. Anything moves, star it. Anything makes you move RT it. If nothing happens put it on facebook.
"I'm so hungry I could eat a human. If I wasn't a vegetarian. And if the humans weren't so damn kind to me" A horse; before the breakdown.
http://t.co/SsBUBSIj LifeKnocks http://t.co/VSRpiy0i TheSquirrelthatDreamtofMadness http://t.co/Pt4NXvy3 HowtoHidefromHumans http://t.co/WuUf8fFQ