Die Hard 5: John is 85 and in a retirement home. An OAP has hatched a plan to steal more mash potato. The nurse is asleep. McClane is back.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

A 17 year old is too young to vote but old enough to be destroyed by the media. A massive and vindictive over reaction. #parisbrown

I am going to get a tattoo of a key on my forehead and then run head-first into all closed doors shouting "I'VE GOT THIS!".

Old man falls in road. Young guy picks him up. Brings him water. Cleans gravel from the old man's cut hands. #london pic.twitter.com/K2B7noSq

Jorge Mario Bergoglio is against abortion, gay marriage, gay adoption and was once accused of kidnapping; but can he use Twitter? #newpope

Not had sex for ages - my mate said "It's just like riding a bike" so I fell into a bush and cried for my Dad. She didn't appear to orgasm.

#morning My new favourite pic ever. Sums up our press, and how it manipulates the many into thinking like the few: pic.twitter.com/X3an2KDNUi

And then Twitter was #overcapacity. And all the people left their houses and stared up at the sun. "I think I'm your neighbour" said one.

Russian street-artist Pavel Puhov, creating a spectacle in the snow: pic.twitter.com/9N7up8UE

Give a horny and hungry man a fish and he'll eat for a day, give that man a mermaid and he'll have to make some pretty tough decisions.

I hit my head on the corner of an entire room decked out to adhere to the rules of Feng Shui. I was taken away in an ambiance.

Oh Boo Hoo. There's #horsemeat in my meat. You are eating meat. You eat pig face, cow dick, chicken periods and duck liver. Idiots.

"we need to pay big bonuses to attract the best staff." If these bankers are the best, we might as well just set fire to the city now. #RBS

When life throws bricks you are going to wish to fuck you hadn’t bitched about the lemons.

I once said to a girlfriend "come to bed" but she must have thought I said run off with Dave. I should have used clearer diction.

Goodnight Twitter. You take the first watch. Anything moves, star it. Anything makes you move RT it. If nothing happens put it on facebook.

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"I'm so hungry I could eat a human. If I wasn't a vegetarian. And if the humans weren't so damn kind to me" A horse; before the breakdown.

Paris Brown: Goodbye. Good luck. And on behalf of any adult with sense; I'm sorry.  http://wp.me/p37QVW-9L