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"Ice. Ice. Baby" (contents of Vanilla Ice's basement fridge)
"Kobe, what do you think about Jason Collins coming out?"
"Uhhmm ONE GAME AT A TIME, ONE GAME AT A TIME"
That awkward moment when your parents' argument turns into a rap battle.
An Apple a day keeps Chinese orphans busy
"What do we want?"
"When do we want it?"
"Siri, does he LOOK like a bitch?" (Deleted scene from Samuel L. Jackson iPhone ad)
When I say I'm 'furiously' masturbating, it's like normal masturbation but I'm turning tables and killing innocent people.
Did you know that for only 30$ Favstar will grant you the ability to give someone else a false sense of accomplishment?
Waldo is hiding in protected tweets
The ghost (who had just died) hovered around the room. He noticed that there was a typo on his suicide note. But alas, it was too late.
He should change his name to Arnold SchwarzeN-word.
Girl, I will hold your purse while you shop. So hard.
My idea of being passive-aggressive is stabbing someone and apologizing afterwards.
"They see me rolling.. haha kidding they can't see me. " - Chameleonaire
Memoirs of a Gay Shark
There are ugly people, and then there are "what the fuck am I looking at right now" people.
RT if you've ever said "THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!" before pushing a loved one into oncoming traffic
After every tweet, I do the "are you not entertained" speech from Gladiator.
It's always nice when family members tell me to 'believe in myself' because I usually think I'm a fictional non-existent woodnymph.
A good alternative to excercise is cutting yourself and letting the sweat pour out and dying.
purveyor of infinite awesomeness / not a Family Guy writer