The mayan calender girls are a bit too old.

@fiatpanda don't criticise Beckham,he already gets a bit of stick at home.

Wrong time of the month for a egg hunt.

I'm glad Jesus died for us,I love Hot cross buns.

Horse meat burgers taste nice according to a Gallop poll.

@andy_dutton gravy trains are just rolling stock.

Can someone snap Mo Farah's arms off in the new year to stop him doing that stupid mobot.

Hope one of my daughters marries a muslim,so I've got a guaranteed designated driver for christmas get togethers.

That 0.1% germ that the toilet cleaner can't kill must be some hard fucking germ bastard!.

I think now my toilet thinks it's the end of the world.

Escalator accidents are on the way down. @ham_tornado

The British Heart Foundation would have a heart attack if they saw what I did with their charity bags.

Jordan you remind me of a young Nicky Campbell. #thevoice

Villa getting rolled over more the Paul Hollywood's dough. #manutd

Morning stretches done.(Going for a piss with a erection)

@alan_machnik I've seen the same man grooming a potential victim.

@lukeosullivan I call all my horses that when they're losing.

Dot Cotton has chelsea buns for eyes.

In respect to Jesus and my family today I'm going outside to fart. #spanishSewer

I'm watching mastermind,otherwise known as '40 year old virgins'. #mastermind