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God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.
Hey Americans, I dare you to keep making jokes about Canadians, see what fucking happens (nothing will happen, we hate conflicts. Sorry)!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I'm just your average girl, I love laughing, chocolate, flowers, and I do the jack off hand motion when I tell someone to suck my dick.
I'm not convinced that Red Hot Chili Peppers are using actual words in their songs.
My brother inlaw’s name is Howie, when he does something stupid I sing “THIS IS HOWIE DO IT” then I punch him in the dick because I hate him
Any animal that can lick it's own crotch is what I'm coming back as in my next life.
Nice try Satan, but your "Taylor Swift" songs aren't fooling me.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn't tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
"He's gonna leave his wife for me!" -dumb whores
If I had a dick for a day, I'd just sit around drinking beer and talk about how if I had a vagina and tits, I'd play with myself all day.
I'm not high maintenance, I just need a guy to swirl his tongue in a counter clockwise direction while fingering me at a 37.5 degree angle.
I’d shake what my mama gave me if I knew how to shake 27 years of verbal abuse.
I don't know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I'm drunk. Or he's rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I'm convinced the guy on the Pringles containers is really just Mr. Monopoly in his prime
I don't enjoy long walks on the beach but I do enjoy drinking heavily and not getting off my ass most days
I know the guy in the cutoff Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt is serious about this Chinese buffet because he just pulled his mullet into a ponytail.
Don't judge me by my picture, judge me by the 4 pickles I ate out of the jar while standing in front of the open fridge in my underwear
Amazing how some men choose to wear super tight jeans when the option to not dress like a stupid asshole is available.
I'm watching a movie with a guy, I'm gonna play it cool and take off my bra now so he doesn't have to struggle with it in ten minutes