Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I hate your cat.
I don't know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I'm drunk. Or he's rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
🎶 How do I live without you, I want to know, how do I breathe without yooooou🎶ohh never mind, I figured it out.
God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.
I don’t need Foursquare to tell me I’m the mayor of Sexytown.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Viagra commercials make me want to go into the wilderness with men who have erectile dysfunction and help them get their fuck-tents up.
Sometimes karma FINALLY catches up with people and it’s fucking hilarious.
Adopted an old person today. Decided to take her to the mall with me, is there a time limit for how long I can leave her in the car?
For how often you guys probably do it, you should know how to spell “masturbate” correctly by now, dumb fucking losers.
Fell asleep & my boyfriend played that prank where he traced his dong on my face. Its HUGE. Can’t decide if Im mad or just proud of his dick
I was told I have a lot of bitchy tweets and I just want to say that in no way are my tweets meant to offend you stupid pieces of shit.
Subtweet: I wasn’t talking to you
Penguins are super committed to the “we’re assholes and don’t fly” thing. I’ve been throwing them off the roof all day, fucking nothing.
Cool Halloween avi’s, fuckin’ losers.
I'm so lazy that even in my sexual fantasies I'm wearing sweatpants, eating burgers, and won't get off the couch.
Nice try Satan, but your "Taylor Swift" songs aren't fooling me.
Top 6 least favorite movies:
FYI: Men wearing sandals don't like to be called "retarded"
If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor he'd be pralines and dick.