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Sometimes karma FINALLY catches up with people and it’s fucking hilarious.
Adopted an old person today. Decided to take her to the mall with me, is there a time limit for how long I can leave her in the car?
For how often you guys probably do it, you should know how to spell “masturbate” correctly by now, dumb fucking losers.
Fell asleep & my boyfriend played that prank where he traced his dong on my face. Its HUGE. Can’t decide if Im mad or just proud of his dick
I was told I have a lot of bitchy tweets and I just want to say that in no way are my tweets meant to offend you stupid pieces of shit.
Subtweet: I wasn’t talking to you
Penguins are super committed to the “we’re assholes and don’t fly” thing. I’ve been throwing them off the roof all day, fucking nothing.
Cool Halloween avi’s, fuckin’ losers.
I'm so lazy that even in my sexual fantasies I'm wearing sweatpants, eating burgers, and won't get off the couch.
Nice try Satan, but your "Taylor Swift" songs aren't fooling me.
Top 6 least favorite movies:
God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.
FYI: Men wearing sandals don't like to be called "retarded"
Anyone know if the new iPhone vibrates harder but more discreetly than the 4S and 5?
I’m wearing an Eli Manning jersey at the grocery store and have been sacked 12 times in the frozen food section so far.
Just found out that Dove deodorant isn’t made from real doves. Pissed. Definitely suing.
I'm dating Eva Mendes. Someone please let her know.
I’d shake what my mama gave me if I knew how to shake 27 years of verbal abuse.
I love my boyfriend's football team. I've been a fan of theirs since before I met him. I love the linenbaker and the guy who cunts the ball.
Canadians aren't that nice, guys. Believe me, I'm one of them.
If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor he'd be pralines and dick.