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just remembered i can turn my phone the fuck off and enjoy my real life. it's back on now though
my wife wouldn't let me wear my pajama jeans to her awards luncheon thing because you can "see my balls through them" smh
Chinese delivery men are a little too aggressive on the phone for my taste. “HEY! YOU ORDAH SHYKNEE FOO? OUTSYE NOW!!!"
I hate when my boss is using fancy upper management jargon like "You were late again today" or "I don't pay you to check your Facebook"
I want to be the girl you bring home to your parents and then have filthy sex in your childhood bedroom with.
"yo Adam, Eve, don't eat from that tree ok?"
"CUZ I INSTALLED THIS SWEET BURGER KING BRO"
"AW HELL YEAH"
*God & Adam chest bump*
If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Two time recipient of the Nobel Prize for super foxiest female ever ✌