My neighbor is all, "Don't shout "YOU SUCK!" to my kid while we're playing catch." Ummm... It's called honesty Bob, the kid needs to know.

my neighbor karen's tits are so big I'm calling the police

Which child of his do you think Ron Paul is prouder of, Rand or Ru?

Moose may be the coolest dude I know

I wonder if she ever came to Melissa Etheridge's window?

If a doctor is gonna tell you that you have terminal cancer, the least she can do is moonwalk into the room.

I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to have a friend named Dick.

Wearing socks to bed is disgusting.

I need an app where I can take a pic of a mushroom and it'll tell me if I can get fucked up off it or not.

Imaginations are for poor kids.

Feliz Navi-die.

Its so easy to trust a #Virgo but it's so hard for a #Virgo to trust you.