Water is spelled almost the same as hater but one gives me life while thhe other just makes me hit my dougie harder

catch me in your hood explaining the plots of various novels TO YO BITCH

u know u ballin if u own mad throw pillows with the crazy high thread counts

cant believe ted leo lied about having a gfriend but its happened to all of us

IF SHE CANT USE THEM CHEEKS TO TURN THAT PENNY INTO A LONGER COMMEMORATIVE PENNY, I AINT FUCKIN WITH HER

1983: Arnold Schwarzenegger snorts coke & does the robot in front of James Cameron at a party in west Hollywood, inspiring "The Terminator"

Girl don't be bringin puppies to my house you know about my allergies *does strange dance* now were even, girl

I honestly had never heard someone call a cucumber a "welfare dildo" until RIGHT NOW

when i was 14 i put 9 dollars in a jukebox and played "wild, wild, west" 27 times. Still proud of that

YA BOY DRINKIN LIQUID

I kneel before his greatness, lift up his right hand, and kiss the Pope's ring. "I see ya fam", he says. "Keep doing you"

*turns to butler* MY SUPER SOAKER, POST-HASTE

The band KISS does not stand for "knights in satans service". However, with regards 2 my j-pop collective K.I.S.S., that is exactly the case

Protip: when getting high w someone 4 1st time, wait til right after they take 1st hit. Look concerned, say "I didnt know u liked 2 get wet"

How do ppl even find time to talk politics with Ja Rule's impending release

One time I robotripped and shared 2 dominoes pizzas and a deep convo with my dog zeus on my trampoline

hello my name is Mystikal and I'm here to talk to you about type-2 diabetes

*sees picture of bruise on a knee* yuh thats a tity bruh

The first doritos president

The reason I fav so many tweets is because I have love in my heart