Bad haircuts are like bad sex. You will let them finish but the whole time you're thinking "I'm never cumin here again"

No matter how far back you lean that seat, how high u put ur one hand on the steering wheel, you will never look cool driving a minivan.

My drinking has interfered with my drinking. I bet I could get a scholarship to a rehab. This is pro-level

Maybe the reason why we can't get pandas to mate in captivity is we keep picking the fugly ones for them to mate with?

Typo nazis on here can suk my dik

Tramp stamp collections are the only stamp collections I'm interested in

In my next life my profession will be 'Stunt cock'.

I don't understand why all these people in NY celebrate a 'ball dropping'. I had two drop YEARS ago

@swoontwang nah. Moose are for 'fancy' occasions (weddings/funerals/cheap beer at the liquor store). Polar bears are our 'daily drivers'

@swoontwang dr. rob has a cure for what ails ya. But distance may prevent administering the proper dose. :(

@swoontwang awww now I feel like an ass for giving u a hard time when it shldve been me checkin up on u! :(

@swoontwang Not even a Happy Canada day? Hrmmmffff. :(

@swoontwang u spelt 'pretty' wrong. It's 'god-damn-he's-sexy'. It's ok. I knew what you were trying to say. ;)

@bristolsweets this might be the best tweet I've ever seen...

@marcusbuster it's never too late for circumcision I gurss

@bristolsweets preferred actually

The worse you're outta shape=the worse your choice in clothes. Just saw a fat dude with 'your next meal' and an arrow pointing at his crotch

@sweetmissashley pretty sure those are the EXACT bets u can tweet about

@darcicanada he's just grabbing his balls so they don't drop for another few years so he can keep ridin his 15 mins of fame

@swoontwang smokin avi