Have had to listen to my boss all fucking day about how his parachute almost didn't deploy while skydiving. If fucking only!

I am basically paying my cell phone bill just so I can have twitter handy 24/7. It's a sad life I live.

If my phone is about to die and I have to poop, I'll wait 30 more minutes so my battery can charge.

I like to be in control of everything, that's why I need someone that can dominant me.

All I ask is that you pull my hair and smack my ass. Maybe throw a little choking in. That's not too much to ask.

If you're not weird or a little bit geeky, I feel like we can't be friends.

Whoever thought to put Swiss cake rolls next to the checkout, was a complete genius.

I immediately regret my choice to stay out past 4. My daughter has been up screaming about Mickey Mouse since 7:30. Fuck, mama needs a nap.

When talking to my friends the first thing I think, when they say something funny is "that'll get some RTs" you may have a problem.

There is a good tweet just right at the cusp of my brain, but I can't grab it.

So tired of work drama. Why can't we all show up, not talk to each other, then go home? It's not that difficult.

If I ask how you're doing, just say "good" and be done with it. I really don't want to know how you are.

I am not the token outdoorsy girl that some guys may look for. I'd rather get pampered all day and be naked when you get home.

I love that I have back dimples. Is that weird?

Getting along surprisingly well with my husband today. I'm shocked.

Any conversation about our feelings towards each other, I'm running the other fucking direction. I don't need that shit.

I feel like such a man sometimes. I wanna fuck, then go to sleep. No cuddling.

I think I've finally come to terms that I'll never love someone as much as I did my ex. Which is stupid b.c I hate him now.

Guys like to hang out with their hand down their pants. I like to hang out with my hand on my vagina.

Reading "50 Shades of Grey" again, because well, it gets me horny, and why the fuck not.