I'm watching Scarface because I'm gangsta.

On VHS because I'm old school.

At Wal-Mart because I'm homeless.

Cop behind me just turned.

Best unfollow ever.

I like that Eminem song where he's yelling.

It's so cold I just saw some gangsters with their pants pulled up.

Only a fraction of women are crazy.

That fraction is 100/100.

Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery.

What a sad state of affairs.

It's not gay if it's with Ryan Gosling. I mean come on.

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down.

I just beat my high score.

If a man tells you he'll fix it, he will fix it.

There is no need to incessantly remind him about it every 5 to 6 months.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

I think my barber is gay. Sometimes when I'm kissing him, he grabs my butt.

God doesn't make people gay.

Ryan Gosling does.

I can't remember what she sent me to the store for.

Grabbing ice cream and tampons just to be safe.

Girls spend too much time deciding what to wear like guys aren't picturing them naked the whole time.

There's an 'i' in camouflage, somewhere.

I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.

It's called Draw Something not Spell Something.

Swamp People premieres tonight. Walmart looks like a ghost town.

I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

"This ain't my first rodeo."

-me, at my 2nd rodeo