The NSA ostensibly reads everything we write, but god forbid you take a picture of their new joint in Utah.  http://www.forbes.com/sites/kashmirhill/2013/03/04/nsa-utah-data-center-visit/ …

When I die, I hope a Kenny Rogers song is playing, but mostly because I hope I die at a 70s key party.

My favorite character at the grocery store is the old guy on the phone with his wife, asking things like “Canada Dry or Schweppes?”

By my calculations, about 7.6% of the people on twitter write for Family Guy.

The scariest thing I read today was the phrase "30-minute hand job."

We are cheering cops because they did not kill a person in cold blood. Yay.

If you feed a tater tot growth hormone and make it live in crowded conditions it becomes a McDonald's hash brown.

Up on a Saturday because some dumbass signed the kids up for some shit.

Crayons and cat shit made a baby and named it Tootsie Roll.

Using robot planes, our country kills children on the regular, but some are upset that protesters are making too much noise.

Time to map out my Olympics viewing schedule. [throws TV out the window]

Why do I have a sudden desire to listen to Fugazi Repeater turned up to eleven?

Parents of small children: enjoy this time of general unintelligibility. Later on you'll know what they want and it will make you mad.

Please stop rooting for your ideological opponents to be behind this. #tcot #tlot

“Hey I just met you / And this is crazy / but I'm banned from @pplpark now / so call me maybe?” - @bananahannahg, to @zacmacmath

I hate all of you in my pants.

If Prince watched you make love, he’d just stand there, in his purple sequined waistcoat and Cuban heels, shaking his head disapprovingly.

I am sitting here on an autumn Sunday afternoon watching Italian soccer like some kind of goddamn communist.

You know what's odd about Brazilian airports? No landing strips.

Real courage from @aheram, an Iraq vet who is counter-recruiting: talking to HS students about why they should stay away from the military.