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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

    • 11k
    • FAVS
    mj_ackerkwils1010RegineTripodiProw5ProwJM_EiblChaffalaffVanilla_cupcakFlamingKazin
    • 20k
    • RETWEETS
    EnrisaAnayaShuksgaloreGillianILVLAMacRobinUWotM8Vanilla_cupcakkirsten_arielnameisnotknownTimHarrisAuthor
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmRitleySammichNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazed__ChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,598
    • FAVS
    13spencerChaffalaffVanilla_cupcakAlexEnleegilevichkmcnabbdgascasfgpena
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    die_hard64Vanilla_cupcakmayphoriaPertsevRovgolovinfidanoglumrodchaninkw23ru
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 5,086
    • FAVS
    isabellaawarneraffinitylesterericsshadowfiona13redMakeClarsonmadalynn_owensLarssonMeritDaisySumersford
    • 7,077
    • RETWEETS
    fiona13redAyjayHRichardBruneSAzisneyheeneejtrigTheSnotNosedKidAlesandraYunAweButterfly
    darthmangaMrTurstkampsinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    "And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

    • 5,385
    • FAVS
    SabadoGigante89katyforsytheblood_orphanTwixxxxxxxxmarychristinexxPapa_GonzSavannahPerry01AppleWoman
    • 2,986
    • RETWEETS
    bjmendySabadoGigante89blood_orphanlanger_theresaAppleWomangoomygamouraohengles
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

    • 3,585
    • FAVS
    xJerichooo_NickiBickiTheRadwanianiChaaraouiDEMHOEZrosalarianKhalidioustiawbstr
    • 2,998
    • RETWEETS
    erinm319xJerichooo_anuhstasialordevader_3abdoAttiaNicksAFukinTardDEMHOEZbolseirodbolsao
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 1,511
    • FAVS
    xysistgabejklotzJonSawernero_crossplayJedistitchhurufkecilgentlewoomanPravmaga
    • 3,822
    • RETWEETS
    cleithartfavstar_historyymgreenwind1fjme2419nero_crossplayBasanti_ReturnsRahulChelsSShazoy__
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 1,847
    • FAVS
    theothercrystaliinkedZombieSeahawksSavantVanilla_cupcakKelseyWilkinsonnathanwaite32MarissaDawnPraybenz3
    • 2,558
    • RETWEETS
    iinkedZombiemastershifu68Dominic_williamVanilla_cupcakkadyngriffithsisabelmcnLaniLiuHarryWKM
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 2,975
    • FAVS
    YoungerJoyBoyBTK_LoungeCarter9992danaprisloeSarahTripsMen_haless_SwarmOfBees2000DanieIDannyDan
    • 1,255
    • RETWEETS
    hellavinmitchelloringckrugerKevinCoppagelistenupnerdsAngryBosnianFanJackson_T_Fishingdamnit
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

    • 2,037
    • FAVS
    yasbencherifdamronburgundyVanilla_cupcaklizhasthoughtsxysistkayleepariseborg01_RyanLeach
    • 1,279
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcakJustinspeacheskayleepariseborg01_RyanLeachCleesmeveld15mncorbisieroshauniguess
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,395
    • FAVS
    isabelmcnLaniLiuxysistRitz2RubblereTICKulousthelittlephrasecutiedotzenGorillaMunchies
    • 1,917
    • RETWEETS
    isabelmcnLaniLiuHarryWKMweirdnachosKierxnyouthoughtat123CharlesCrayolaTBlindAndCDeaf
    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A crime or a miracle happened here. pic.twitter.com/GIoSrHHmjo

    • 1,895
    • FAVS
    yasbencherifdamronburgundyneondinergabbirawlingsKoscso1sarratoninstefaniegipsonn_kuhlaire
    • 927
    • RETWEETS
    SpncrFtck13GoingZackToCaliHannahStahlMarkPuliceash_ahlers__DaReal_Chuckjodieknotthereecareyincville
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,920
    • FAVS
    Tw1tter_K1ttenVanilla_cupcakJoeRomano14xysist__ambraDBwiddaDBreTICKulousBob_The_Builda
    • 797
    • RETWEETS
    Dominic_williamVanilla_cupcakDBwiddaDBmaryandpattyTheRealTonerPmattwithanhZora_d_1991dogbabe1001011
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 1,345
    • FAVS
    kratosfrostbiteonume_xysistHashtagCheersIts_Vandalbad_urlDibJoshmmmmiguel_
    • 1,264
    • RETWEETS
    xysistDibJoshGarthokkreTICKulousfavstar_historyheythisisbrianwastedsipsSuperIncreible
    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,054
    • FAVS
    nmunene27alizeeahmedd___k_elvin_coursouvrajames_burnleyiVince_43onume_Gullyassassin
    • 1,079
    • RETWEETS
    ___k_elvinjgamerican_coursouvraeugineprinceeliud_Ianw_kechiVince_43erastu_
    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 566
    • FAVS
    Vanilla_cupcakxysistreTICKulousthelittlephrase_CursedTeaRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_GuyWeirdsworth__
    • 1,325
    • RETWEETS
    VenousRisingVanilla_cupcak23_Liesdavidparker41notnotlukepeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimalive
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 929
    • FAVS
    onume_xysistamaniirthecanadianDJIts_VandalJBusch260anotherguyiknowBulletWolf
    • 703
    • RETWEETS
    ZachTheCommieahrabikxysistamaniirBombayKaBabuSpiderPissDibJoshreTICKulous
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

    • 687
    • FAVS
    xysistreTICKulousthelittlephrasegoodasspostsDadBalloonsRenegadeofPantssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    goodasspostsJoshPetersen7HarryWKMSamSheehanJUSTLisandracoolwebsiteuseratlukeantonio__MikeFloorwalker
    StellacopternachosarahStacey0cerebralbalsy____
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 900
    • FAVS
    ScottLinnenVanilla_cupcakjennsrivasanjocapipxcaLaniLiuHarryWKMxysistIts_Vandal
    • 701
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcakisabelmcnLaniLiuHarryWKMBombayKaBabulaur83_LaFierceebad_url
    turndownfornapsKazlightyearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Still looking for leads in the case of "Who ate directly out of the watermelon?" pic.twitter.com/jKKhZ1cKdI

    • 998
    • FAVS
    yasbencherifSpncrFtck13creationsoupnoahdruckenbrodshaneverploeghheisenberg_sRememberNguyenmncorbisiero
    • 496
    • RETWEETS
    OCMartyelenamarie17LeBeauJauneRoi_DogsForLifeTheSaleemChurchofFree__JensenBrittaustinnevitt71
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [sound of chains clanking and distant roars]

    • 749
    • FAVS
    bagofsaladY0NGSUNswagmeoutmasonzachSIMBAileywhit_winkEmilyRippyGyarachuuriley_smiley6
    • 670
    • RETWEETS
    fawningsdracosmaIfoylattehyungtsukisyamazachSIMBAileyEricallenharrisEricHarrisUAEmilyRippy
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.

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