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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

    • 7,133
    • FAVS
    arredondooliviasitaraweerakoonhuggabledustemilyrohlesDaccForcenegroicwhathehfhucktinoguemes
    • 17k
    • RETWEETS
    TheVoiceOfMiamicoopman93karliekramer_ConnorKelly_lombardiparty_xocnkkelseyann49TessaPlatek
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmvaporcoffinNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazedChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,506
    • FAVS
    coopman93kthorjensenCoorCohenacciokatieOceanicPanicBridgetMamacitamireiatylertuff_luff
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    coopman93bestcomiceverjayST0NEcolin8_Jeroenlameg_magnoliajarheadesignOceanicPanic
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 4,806
    • FAVS
    DanBarabinohrywlmsAndrewrawrzLicramXlarrytbh__Music22Belieberm_vanderveen333JoshPetersen7
    • 7,075
    • RETWEETS
    hrywlmsSandyK1LLMusic22BelieberJoshPetersen7DimaJeddawitkristineODeadInsideparaboloser
    darthmangaMrTurstKampSinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 1,510
    • FAVS
    JedistitchhurufkecilgentlewoomanPravmagamasondotaLasmaSkAi_VannaSeanismoney
    • 3,822
    • RETWEETS
    Basanti_ReturnsRahulChelssshzxLaultyFogicithebikerKanan_Khanna9uruSin9hnainaa
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 1,625
    • FAVS
    ABurgerADayJoshPetersen7iwearaonesieSpicAndSpamKayrahKahzeeilKyleJohasmarion_________myspace4lyfe
    • 2,457
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7HollyceHiwearaonesieAHigherTylerJHiker711JustinRaschSonOfKellyboycalledalan
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,385
    • FAVS
    JoseluHereJedistitchkobe_rg_blankpageTheTinaAbidesAmyJiveGordonChaffintrentalz
    • 1,914
    • RETWEETS
    JoseluHereJedistitchwhym4njennabird96lenarotramehjewski25LauraPoundnotfighterjets
    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,915
    • FAVS
    PaolaRiccoMDiets9wrogessoloporjoderWeirdLawyergodlovehischildValhernandezvCarolinaLopezIanavelasquezr
    • 796
    • RETWEETS
    TatiiGraciagodlovehischildwijadijaJulianaAbaunzaAngelicaBufanowhoisalexkimyohamletOConnorWatts
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 1,326
    • FAVS
    JedistitchjumpingcalvesOuterJohnm_vanderveen333JoshPetersen7samhurtZGblue_travelerdaniel_houck
    • 1,261
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7samhurtZGjdimpsonjustindlanceGrumplessGrinchEfenesnebruhsamintrovertedone
    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 1,567
    • FAVS
    Jedistitchameo02BeeStaplerloreravaniTheKenyan__CursedTeaLerkyRuysvogel
    • 688
    • RETWEETS
    JedistitchGoblinFace13CandyTripComicGarrettLeiaadelusionistMomoglPOS_StonerAri_Lloyd
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,018
    • FAVS
    DadBalloonssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7LivSignsConnorMcCainEl_MacheteroNou_01LuisXavier
    • 1,073
    • RETWEETS
    peenuh_popJoshPetersen7s_dsz__soymitologiaJCSanveraandymerzGuzabrahandsattheheart
    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 562
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_GuyWeirdsworthPlaying_Dadtnylgn23_LiesCalebHorvath
    • 1,324
    • RETWEETS
    23_LiesRedLaborStinenotnotlukepeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimaliveKoquettishJodesaroo
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

    • 683
    • FAVS
    DadBalloonsRenegadeofPantssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7_CursedTeaBandersnaaatchDearflynnWeirdsworth
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7HarryWKMSamSheehanJUSTLisandracoolwebsiteuseratlukeantonioMikeFloorwalkerFanpants
    StellacopternachosarahStacey0cerebralbalsy____
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 911
    • FAVS
    DadBalloonsRooneyntheBeastameo02demithetTheKenyan__CursedTeaDanielZarickvinyltype
    • 700
    • RETWEETS
    emhaaschsavx666jerschobelMichiiMariee0zMoviesradicaljocyHandsome3KMuryGoRound
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 880
    • FAVS
    Jedistitchkevintripleunairobian_TheKenyan_Bong_MongerFlrsiLordDodd_CursedTea
    • 690
    • RETWEETS
    Jedistitchmpozii___k_elvinTheKenyan_Bong_MongerKelsHottingTheFakeAlias_CursedTea
    turndownfornapsKazLightYearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Walk into gas station dressed as an astronaut.
    2. Unfold map.
    3. Say, "I'm trying to get here," and point to spot a foot above the map.

    • 756
    • FAVS
    jasonccarney99joedan2010TheKenyan__CursedTea0zMoviesSHEisartmoneysar_marvjhalm40
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    69shadesoftaarursuladt_CursedTeafgb_sherlocksnowsenceskekantusJuniza___farida_hamimi
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else's, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

    • 852
    • FAVS
    JedistitchAlugradtj1timerZachIronManadelusionistFerrraganPSharkey95aetaru
    • 429
    • RETWEETS
    JedistitchDanSenecaAlugradjenngearyOlliemaeerukzanaramsheedGothicGourdGirljakepop18
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Hallmark rejected another one of my card ideas... pic.twitter.com/JYS8tJdSl5

    • 822
    • FAVS
    quidraliteralaidan_duenasMethOrDeathImAGirlNamedCJgothqueefmikayla_elohi_SweetGreenEyes_Randosavage
    • 399
    • RETWEETS
    Sloth_ladkralroospurgatouristemmaIisetteKSchmitttymarvelisednwtsemeKalia_Kornegay
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [sound of chains clanking and distant roars]

    • 643
    • FAVS
    PizzaSam31joedan2010CourtGrangierErinMullaney5TheKenyan__CursedTeaRuysvogelemmat106
    • 558
    • RETWEETS
    AlugradzanticsCourtGrangierJacobFetteremmat106MLChristopher90DwarfSasquatchShishkahuben
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.

    • 739
    • FAVS
    kat182rsgbsg2002ToonKCsophzdavODeadInsideTheKenyan__manyofhorrorkevineproulx
    • 412
    • RETWEETS
    ODHGABFE_ravenerikjenngearyGothicGourdGirljerschobelpetermayanjaThe_Sownahbeemeistah
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Proud to live in a country where moms get a day and sharks get a week!

    • 550
    • FAVS
    slooberbiedemithetTheKenyan_0zMoviesWeirdsworthPlaying_DadtnylgnHandsome3K
    • 582
    • RETWEETS
    SaraThomas84dafloydstamariabrian93_you_right_nownotman88terminalpunk89SFbrwneyedgirllOHFORREALS________
    sammyrhodesyoyohaIsaacKozell
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.