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New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.
Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.
Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."
Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.
1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
3. Gently press a knife into their side.
1. Walk into gas station dressed as an astronaut.
2. Unfold map.
3. Say, "I'm trying to get here," and point to spot a foot above the map.
Proud to live in a country where moms get a day and sharks get a week!
Little girl sitting next to me on the plane colored Winnie the Pooh's face green. Great, I'm sitting next to a moron.
Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
ME: "Trick or bear?"
ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
[sound of chains clanking and distant roars]
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.
To the confident man, every zoo is a petting zoo.