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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Gift @rolldiggity Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 14k
    • LIKES
    LittlekippLuna_BlackheartvivaciousmartinAshishPrasad_ComedyClub4Kidswgrantrturchinci_am_camilo
    • 22k
    • RETWEETS
    bloggingbroadDonGarellosmayawysockiCassidilyoliveblomstromsierr_iouslyncocsTableCobbleson
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmRitleySammichNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazed__ChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,634
    • LIKES
    andszSandzwergCommander1024master_mitchBroodingInfidelziemmmbaMatt_on_CoDzolofighter
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
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    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 5,200
    • LIKES
    blaiseduboisstefaniordan59HanneLaageKUMARKumar854babyblu2die4562_Norkitakninrobert1979rebelshoelaces17
    • 7,142
    • RETWEETS
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    darthmangaMrTurstkampsinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

    • 6,989
    • LIKES
    civilsatyamsandraaaahhhhhhelizaclerkeagent_finderOutoftharedLegeonRalphmbird_1965KristineDash_05
    • 5,050
    • RETWEETS
    OhLookCakeStephJavssiAmLiamCotterHDahlbackOscarKassmansinitsin37bjoernjaevelunnilindahl
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    "And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

    • 7,104
    • LIKES
    AllyTheJediDannyMitchell21racrntasha2325alexyedidlolazellGingerHunkadelusionist
    • 3,882
    • RETWEETS
    megHAM11seanhorgan2chasepjsuburbansparrowBisleyTWildBilboLou_DarDexxe
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 5,395
    • LIKES
    amayne24cijacquie1MariusPenciuguuh_danadossaber_alkindiashleygochoaktucker65__PorpoiseBurps
    • 3,294
    • RETWEETS
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    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 4,937
    • LIKES
    allisflowingtheclaret83JonxyJpcaitlynn_samuelTateRyanncr0ws_eyeaidanjsearschuuew
    • 2,176
    • RETWEETS
    spacemonkey95TateRyannscottymi5chuuewadmiral_ackbarrkstengel37WhiteBlankLevi_Chilladelphia
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 2,293
    • LIKES
    sitzfleisch_leondudueddiliana001livelikebonjoviFollowWolfgangOrignalceQueenERICTR0NJack_Herererer__
    • 4,796
    • RETWEETS
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    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 2,597
    • LIKES
    SPLangtreeSHuggins67HaoleboiiiTheHerethWayjoshkurodaokayghostshamzayalimynameiseneya
    • 3,022
    • RETWEETS
    Captain__FalconHaoleboiiiTheHerethWayjoshkurodaKrhymelahrichijaderenegadeflaskofwhiskeyygarbypls
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Gotta hand it to stupid people. They may not understand nuance, secondary effects, or the long term, but dammit, they know how to vote.

    • 3,385
    • LIKES
    SamRosamondCandy5667toria_beeeTheSolClarkebubucicatoobaaadnicholearkyamyywalshee
    • 1,692
    • RETWEETS
    tulestweetsCheapEatsDotIESaraSantiagoAlex_westworthdfpiiielin_hanssonrococobotzsyphylicia
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing

    • 3,079
    • LIKES
    sammiestrawnAriii_xoxopistolwistolgmaddexthats_a_moreymeatballwizardsplooskprettysadmostly
    • 1,407
    • RETWEETS
    BisleyTdilly_willy_gsodohsploosklazontourrimills153Djar1esGanbare_Gincun
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,420
    • LIKES
    XOW_Sin_Carathatchickash21moh9870antonelbertlopez_markorube_matildaSchettzofrenCorkyCrash
    • 1,919
    • RETWEETS
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    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

    • 2,049
    • LIKES
    iwearaonesieERICTR0NmothmeejdanglingtrinketDavis_Raoyasbencherif__damronburgundyVanilla_cupcak
    • 1,279
    • RETWEETS
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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A crime or a miracle happened here. pic.twitter.com/GIoSrHHmjo

    • 1,895
    • LIKES
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    • 927
    • RETWEETS
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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,921
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    underthispebbleiwearaonesieBreadQDipTw1tter_K1ttenVanilla_cupcakJoeRomano14xysistcheesedip7
    • 797
    • RETWEETS
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    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    I love how Trump beats down opponents until they quit and then he recruits them to fight for him and OH MY GOD TRUMP IS A POKEMON TRAINER.

    • 1,467
    • LIKES
    leon_amarjoseph_alfredLacrosseRaritancatcervenyYoSoyPaps_garyoneillFutureHasbeendpottzzz
    • 1,036
    • RETWEETS
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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,063
    • LIKES
    Joeypenna123_zazzles_SaulJRosenbearTheTimmyToes_kelp_somecleverthingMrMooGertiwearaonesie
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    • RETWEETS
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    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    What do you do when one of your "basic rights" keeps shooting all your other basic rights? Asking for a friend country.

    • 1,406
    • LIKES
    daley_nickeishamilynha22niniii96SaritaMDeLaCruzFightingBobUSAjrausch89samxcrowleyNickSmithh
    • 651
    • RETWEETS
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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 567
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    iwearaonesieVanilla_cupcakxysistachewavethelittlephrasekirstytatoRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_Guy
    • 1,325
    • RETWEETS
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    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 914
    • LIKES
    AllyTheJedieliazarsuetphaer18Rp66145948alok3428priyeshzalaniBaagadbilllaIngeniousRetard
    • 783
    • RETWEETS
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    turndownfornaps__Kazlightyearz
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Son of Zorn, Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.

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