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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Gift @rolldiggity Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 14k
    • LIKES
    hatehugBryainiacericabagumaUnsocial_OreoAriDavidUSAprungusBjoernVoitelArtnerC
    • 22k
    • RETWEETS
    BryainiacUnsocial_OreoAdrianWindischKKgoldenlighthojo48LibsNoFunicwhatudoAriDavidUSA
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmRitleySammichNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazed__ChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,612
    • LIKES
    ERICTR0NdarthsmauIBookishBunnyOrchidanoRenegadeofPantsiwearaonesieMelleRisetteshelbymccabe4
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    Unsocial_OreodarthsmauIcatmachineKoroderaXavylolrockdudeSineadFarrelly_nessadinneenOrchidano
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 5,200
    • LIKES
    best_toastTrought4TheDaywinnersusedrugssiobhan_mearonjazzcatstokesyabbiewastakenIZANVMIdarthsmauI
    • 7,142
    • RETWEETS
    caltrain_69sleeperhit79YaManicKillallieopiaG_RydbowlingforsoupyMarkatanskyjdthndr
    darthmangaMrTurstkampsinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

    • 6,970
    • LIKES
    toneill92_978_markedlyHarryKershPeteyFromTBlocktoomanytoesDennisWaithaka_Matt_Scheidel
    • 5,050
    • RETWEETS
    hdergyNolanTeasdaleMr__BR3WB_BearFighterRedactedDuttagianitalsObi_Wan_JacobiRapha__23
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    "And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

    • 7,103
    • LIKES
    GingerHunkadelusionistfc_rayGorillaMunchiesednitionamaroto__griffin_fillProChoiceRoyce
    • 3,882
    • RETWEETS
    suburbansparrowBisleyTWildBilboLou_DarDexxeiamporgyamaroto__RhymesWithRead
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 5,395
    • LIKES
    PorpoiseBurpssh3lbreeee_LarryBobarrythomaspaularenztylercstaffordPatchfaceTFjenbosephTeflonMegalod0n
    • 3,294
    • RETWEETS
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    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 4,937
    • LIKES
    TateRyanndarthsmauIaidanjsearschuuewIainNDbarfchandaithiharteryshamus_clancy
    • 2,176
    • RETWEETS
    spacemonkey95TateRyannscottymi5chuuewadmiral_ackbarrkstengel37WhiteBlankLevi_Chilladelphia
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 2,293
    • LIKES
    OrignalceQueenERICTR0NJack_Herererer__brownlegalfacepalm92An_Odd_eekitAnuragATweetinghole
    • 4,796
    • RETWEETS
    Drew_TaberOrignalceQueenRumkieFirdausAli19harshshROCKSTARDonSchnulzetweet_tinuiStealthoughts
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 2,578
    • LIKES
    SuicideJimmyOne_FineMessrubenluthman_skerr__UKJayLMrMooGertepaL31Kootseeahknee
    • 3,020
    • RETWEETS
    snickidoodleelizahazendreagan03One_FineMesshurrduhdurrwhatnowkimFranna1994AndrewBialy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing

    • 3,079
    • LIKES
    pistolwistolgmaddexthats_a_moreymeatballwizardsplooskprettysadmostlyVapingSonicSkinnerSteven
    • 1,407
    • RETWEETS
    BisleyTdilly_willy_gsodohsploosklazontourrimills153Djar1esGanbare_Gincun
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,415
    • LIKES
    rube_matildaSchettzofrenCorkyCrashbromanconsul_zazzles_Fred_Delicious_kelp_voldemortsbicep
    • 1,919
    • RETWEETS
    QeruiemEdmanLuddebitingthesunGladaJakobSchettzofrencctrabbit17KatGarbooDutch_Notch
    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

    • 2,049
    • LIKES
    iwearaonesieERICTR0NpastelouijadanglingtrinketDavis_Raoyasbencherif__damronburgundyVanilla_cupcak__
    • 1,279
    • RETWEETS
    themanindersecondofhernameManasiRfindingkhainiCreepowomanDagger_danceVanilla_cupcak__Justinspeaches
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A crime or a miracle happened here. pic.twitter.com/GIoSrHHmjo

    • 1,895
    • LIKES
    ERICTR0NDavis_Raoyasbencherif__damronburgundyneondinergabbirawlingsKoscso1sarratonin
    • 927
    • RETWEETS
    SpncrFtck13GoingZackToCaliHannahStahlMarkPuliceash_ahlersDaReal_Chuckjodieknotthere__ecareyincville
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,921
    • LIKES
    underthispebbleiwearaonesieBreadQDipTw1tter_K1ttenVanilla_cupcak__JoeRomano14xysistcheesedip7
    • 797
    • RETWEETS
    underthispebbleTraceyVenturepogolith000Dominic_williamVanilla_cupcak__DBwiddaDBmaryandpattyTheRealTonerP
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    I love how Trump beats down opponents until they quit and then he recruits them to fight for him and OH MY GOD TRUMP IS A POKEMON TRAINER.

    • 1,461
    • LIKES
    catcervenyYoSoyPaps_garyoneillFutureHasbeendpottzzzPixelRobotLiorslespostor
    • 1,036
    • RETWEETS
    kayahobstettercatcervenymariangelcc1ScarnoldkarunaaxNaBUru38ninjaclectictylershelton
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,062
    • LIKES
    _zazzles_SaulJRosenbearTheTimmyToes_kelp_somecleverthingMrMooGertiwearaonesieLizaDubrovski
    • 1,094
    • RETWEETS
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    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    What do you do when one of your "basic rights" keeps shooting all your other basic rights? Asking for a friend country.

    • 1,406
    • LIKES
    samxcrowleyNickSmithhRadleinlethaltortillasarahjoyshockeysherrithepeachsarahspikeycrapitsben
    • 651
    • RETWEETS
    KittenWrittenJessG828ryanallredakyxchnoahhczernycathmkpalegoonses_415
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 567
    • LIKES
    iwearaonesieVanilla_cupcak__xysistachewavethelittlephrasekirstytatoRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_Guy
    • 1,325
    • RETWEETS
    VenousRisingVanilla_cupcak__23_Liesdavidparker41mourningwudpeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimalive
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 910
    • LIKES
    alok3428priyeshzalaniBaagadbilllaIngeniousRetardShahzalcontentgumballsherlock_erarhtullahen
    • 783
    • RETWEETS
    BisleyTbarlmoroweightvasudevil91HainaYamunamanangandhi777akshay2301SandeshOmarbekarladka
    turndownfornapsKazlightyearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 930
    • LIKES
    iwearaonesieonume_xysistamaniir__thecanadianDJIts_VandalJBusch260anotherguyiknow
    • 703
    • RETWEETS
    ZachTheCommieahrabikxysistamaniir__BombayKaBabuSpiderPissDibJoshachewave
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.

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