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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

    • 7,186
    • FAVS
    Thegossipbrojellyfishbearhopper_jamiemileswithmymateAaronJames10mirandan247kewlbuttonsFBDemocrats
    • 17k
    • RETWEETS
    darylmoAaronJames10Addict2CutenessFBDemocratsthecoblekidThatAndyChapalicetanSeraMSeely
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmvaporcoffinNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazedChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,550
    • FAVS
    CindyKournikovayoshimorrillTheElijahSethAJM0013BrianDornAaronLMGoodwinDano1925Casco33
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    AJM0013hannahpond18CApropheadmadmanhawkBrianDornNeutral22Casco33ADDcrafter
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 4,807
    • FAVS
    mRSJACQUESNAUdEedviegeIanGertleranderschri5Lpools_number_8ItsAndyRyanNicmeister71bhumika235
    • 7,075
    • RETWEETS
    TheFunnyFelaekatemarilollypopinziloveclarkkentrmittyNickDaleSheamusLpools_number_8
    darthmangaMrTurstKampSinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 1,510
    • FAVS
    nero_crossplayJedistitchhurufkecilgentlewoomanPravmagamasondotaLasmaSkAi_Vanna
    • 3,822
    • RETWEETS
    ymgreenwind1fjme2419nero_crossplayBasanti_ReturnsRahulChelssshzx__LaultyFogicithebiker
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 1,626
    • FAVS
    dnbrnsABurgerADayJoshPetersen7iwearaonesieSpicAndSpamKayrahKahzeeilKyleJohasmarion_________
    • 2,457
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7HollyceHiwearaonesieAHigherTylerJHiker711JustinRaschSonOfKellyboycalledalan
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 2,865
    • FAVS
    Slee_DBwiddaDBLOWE_J_SimpsonCallMeBigKOPPaKLaRont_myuglymouthJhonRulesaprillovechild
    • 1,206
    • RETWEETS
    DBwiddaDBaprillovechildKLaRontDanielwest138the_gwallalikeagschmitzjakefilEdwardJohn
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,385
    • FAVS
    JoseluHereJedistitchkobe_rg_blankpageTheTinaAbidesAmyJiveGordonChaffintrentalz
    • 1,914
    • RETWEETS
    Luna_BerryFireJoseluHereJedistitchwhym4njennabird96lenarotramehjewski25LauraPound
    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A crime or a miracle happened here. pic.twitter.com/GIoSrHHmjo

    • 1,838
    • FAVS
    theyswallow_sydneywilliamsIanmurray7K_Shortnastybarney_mandymattzdulskisnug4bearrepeatasneeded
    • 907
    • RETWEETS
    unSIRKumcised92megggsocksilentzebraIanmurray7CourtGrangierrepeatasneededMirandaJean_97JacobFetter
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,916
    • FAVS
    joek37wivvybooPaolaRiccoMDiets9wrogessoloporjoderWeirdLawyergodlovehischildValhernandezv
    • 796
    • RETWEETS
    TatiiGraciagodlovehischildwijadijaJulianaAbaunzaAngelicaBufanowhoisalexkimyohamletOConnorWatts
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 1,333
    • FAVS
    CMRohlingRichaodMaraWritesStuffFiaca4colexicoillogicnekochikSKZakJedistitch
    • 1,262
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyheythisisbrianwastedsipsSuperIncreiblecolexicoillogicnekochikryankirbyJoshPetersen7
    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,019
    • FAVS
    DommyBear21DadBalloonssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7LivSignsConnorMcCainEl_MacheteroNou_01
    • 1,073
    • RETWEETS
    peenuh_popJoshPetersen7s_dsz__soymitologiaJCSanveraandymerzGuzabrahandsattheheart
    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 562
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_GuyWeirdsworth__Playing_Dadtnylgn23_LiesCalebHorvath
    • 1,324
    • RETWEETS
    23_LiesRedLaborStinenotnotlukepeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimaliveKoquettishJodesaroo
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

    • 683
    • FAVS
    DadBalloonsRenegadeofPantssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7_CursedTeaBandersnaaatchDearflynnWeirdsworth__
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7HarryWKMSamSheehanJUSTLisandracoolwebsiteuseratlukeantonio__MikeFloorwalkerFanpants
    StellacopternachosarahStacey0cerebralbalsy____
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 911
    • FAVS
    DadBalloonsRooneyntheBeastameo02demithetTheKenyan__CursedTeaDanielZarickvinyltype
    • 700
    • RETWEETS
    emhaaschsavx666jerschobelMichiiMariee0zMoviesradicaljocyHandsome3KMuryGoRound
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 882
    • FAVS
    DrangulaChuckyNookieJedistitchkevintripleunairobian_TheKenyan_Bong_MongerFlrsi
    • 690
    • RETWEETS
    Jedistitchmpozii___k_elvinTheKenyan_Bong_MongerKelsHottingTheFakeAlias_CursedTea
    turndownfornapsKazLightYearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Still looking for leads in the case of "Who ate directly out of the watermelon?" pic.twitter.com/jKKhZ1cKdI

    • 997
    • FAVS
    ibrahimhussei18sisterfo1AshleyInLAmydogispicklesTyClorjudsonianahandsomebuttJaneBadall
    • 496
    • RETWEETS
    _DogsForLifeTheSaleemChurchofFreeJensenBrittaustinnevitt71CourtGrangierlsip11ashleyvmitchell
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Walk into gas station dressed as an astronaut.
    2. Unfold map.
    3. Say, "I'm trying to get here," and point to spot a foot above the map.

    • 757
    • FAVS
    ChuckyNookieAccio_Glitterjasonccarney99joedan2010TheKenyan__CursedTea0zMoviessheisartmoney
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    69shadesoftaarursuladt_CursedTeafgb_sherlocksnowsenceskekantusJuniza___farida_hamimi
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else's, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

    • 852
    • FAVS
    aaronwilliams10JedistitchAlugradtj1timerZachIronManadelusionistFerrraganPSharkey95
    • 429
    • RETWEETS
    JedistitchDanSenecaAlugradjenngearyOlliemaeeRukzanaRamsheeGothicGourdGirljakepop18
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Hallmark rejected another one of my card ideas... pic.twitter.com/JYS8tJdSl5

    • 833
    • FAVS
    ibrahimhussei18sisterfo1pimbolammycrazyiikimochiMaybeBethjonahlorsungKiera_SQUIRRELMattDargay
    • 411
    • RETWEETS
    DoctorSharkymegan__tweedypaulatttttmathou_dKiera_SQUIRRELhannah_eliisestegapotamusarghrach
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [sound of chains clanking and distant roars]

    • 648
    • FAVS
    YipiYaHeyUki_RenPleopleqapocalypsedoeFiaca4SarckzKxelarainpuddles
    • 562
    • RETWEETS
    YipiYaHeyUki_RenDaggetoPleopleqgetdrektapocalypsedoeKxelaspiderfingersar
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.