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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

    • 6,733
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeawadingshorebirdthinknegative37doublebatmankukkurovacamdmorsonlutherkentMudblodCatholic
    • 17k
    • RETWEETS
    germbearddaniel_jablermjmoriaritydoubleozaphodBelliAndrewshadesterHannahGraceLongm_e_frost
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmRitleySammichNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazedChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,418
    • FAVS
    GothicGourdGirl_CursedTeajamesb0ydDMCsqrdghofheimerfabnet_beMvanWunnikRuysvogel
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    jsaintyKrisOfGravyAgeDMCsqrdxgublers_girlxMvanWunnikfabio_mazarottokander23682368waupoos
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 4,802
    • FAVS
    AllisonChinArtSomeBaadeFlrsi_CursedTeaPoeticHypocriteTwentyOneDrumsRuysvogelAndrew_Detshanu
    • 7,071
    • RETWEETS
    Bay_Loves_NiallKellyHoughtingFlrsi_CursedTeabrian_penguinMoralesFabian05radicaljocyTar0r
    darthmangaMrTurstKampSinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 1,503
    • FAVS
    murfsaBandersnaaatchb_radrad_guyWeirdsworthPlaying_DadtnylgnRitz2RubbleJamesa7171
    • 3,820
    • RETWEETS
    yourockmysockvikmunalaYegonianWathiary_kouzukektocky8360m660dnelson_caparas
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 1,568
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaEMMAnem143Missus_xdjrevelationDrangulaKilla_Vee_lempathscottdedalus
    • 2,455
    • RETWEETS
    KremlinSambenchi_clempathKilla_Vee_scottdedalusppattersonjaxmoskrinDearflynn
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,146
    • FAVS
    LeratoKeNnaaliciafiascoPseudo_nym11mamarazziphoto_CursedTeaRuysvogelEvanMoyledeKenstruction
    • 1,780
    • RETWEETS
    aliciafiascoAwkwardlyHpureTHABISOKay_Angeljaydiera_CursedTeajerschobelJHarding16
    Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 1,297
    • FAVS
    ILoveSailing123Flrsi_CursedTeagspelsgmackattackgarbage_barge2lustclusterdlehammer
    • 1,254
    • RETWEETS
    Flrsi_CursedTeagkazmergspelsNicklausPCSteveMcAwesomeBMWilliams37paulavds_
    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,725
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaChrisDowningAUSarah_F_BabythatmilesJDlikethedrinkkatienicole_03nanoblossomChelsea_Conrad
    • 729
    • RETWEETS
    _CursedTeaMooperpookieJustPetrociouscastellatexbxttxSamReid_misterjamomhartg1
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 1,563
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaLerkyRuysvogelCandyTripComicadelusionistMomoglmarkd428Dearflynn
    • 687
    • RETWEETS
    CandyTripComicGarrettLeiaadelusionistMomoglIncandenzaBulbsAri_LloydMark_DubsJonathanMarty_
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 996
    • FAVS
    MadElizaLwalker8701PrettyMintBlog_CursedTeafitrisiainRuysvogel0zMoviesdnahinga
    • 1,062
    • RETWEETS
    4nic2Tussie14jaydieraFresh_Lezintowalker8701TheFakeAlias_CursedTeafavstar_history
    Neutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 562
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_GuyWeirdsworthPlaying_Dadtnylgn23_LiesCalebHorvath
    • 1,324
    • RETWEETS
    23_LiesDavidParker41notnotlukepeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimaliveKoquettishJodesaroo
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

    • 679
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaBandersnaaatchDearflynnWeirdsworthlesterfreamonPlaying_Dadtnylgntor_92_v
    • 936
    • RETWEETS
    SamSheehanJUSTLisandrawilky1514atlukeantonioMikeFloorwalkerFanpantsmbondurantColdrooms_________
    StellaRtwotnachosarahStacey0cerebralbalsy____
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 906
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaDanielZarickvinyltypecayleyyucuisRuysvogel0zMoviesBandersnaaatchjonahloeb
    • 700
    • RETWEETS
    emhaaschSavannah__RjerschobelMichiiMariee0zMoviesradicaljocyHandsome3KMuryGoRound
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 876
    • FAVS
    Bong_MongerFlrsiLordDodd_CursedTeaRuysvogel0zMoviesEvanMoylewdwildebeast
    • 686
    • RETWEETS
    Bong_MongerKellyHoughtingTheFakeAlias_CursedTeamatttyd23bp_tweetMuryGoRoundwichahmahcallit
    lwhit_the_bossKazLightYearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Walk into gas station dressed as an astronaut.
    2. Unfold map.
    3. Say, "I'm trying to get here," and point to spot a foot above the map.

    • 755
    • FAVS
    _CursedTea0zMoviesSHEisalsomesar_marvjhalm40AidanJPadronWeirdsworthDeanBojangles
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    ursuladt_CursedTeafgb_sherlocksnowsenceskekantus_NJNMfarida_hamimiLadymcera
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else's, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

    • 850
    • FAVS
    samtschilatanenhausBarbiturateCatGothicGourdGirlbenalexnewmansarahlpopkininfatuatedly_CursedTea
    • 428
    • RETWEETS
    RukzanaramsheedGothicGourdGirljakepop18gspelsepiphoricDavidKavanagh6kendrcksmsJimmmboSlicee
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [sound of chains clanking and distant roars]

    • 641
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaRuysvogelemmat106MLChristopher90PippaPereiramarkd428EClarkKentMartiBeeson
    • 558
    • RETWEETS
    emmat106MLChristopher90DwarfSasquatchShishkahubenPlaysInversepunonmynamewi11_e_mthisisnath
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.

    • 738
    • FAVS
    _manyofhorrorkevineproulxRukzanaramsheedGothicGourdGirlDickFontainehamskiiBewlConwaynanoblossom
    • 411
    • RETWEETS
    GothicGourdGirljerschobelpetermayanjaThe_SownahbeemeistahSchusterJaneBuzz1010nsmitham980
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Hallmark rejected another one of my card ideas... pic.twitter.com/JYS8tJdSl5

    • 775
    • FAVS
    TheMAMArtist_CursedTeaLouthSophrickincooll_opzygrace_callaghanPennHarriscallumf22
    • 361
    • RETWEETS
    JonnyMowatGavMurphy1catstuttardtuckerwinsScotty993Chelsea_Conradbigjockjessietolk
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Proud to live in a country where moms get a day and sharks get a week!

    • 547
    • FAVS
    0zMoviesWeirdsworthPlaying_DadtnylgnHandsome3KleighthausSutton_SpeaksWoeKitten
    • 582
    • RETWEETS
    SaraThomas84dafloydstamariabrian93_you_right_nownotman88terminalpunk89SFbrwneyedgirllOHFORREALS________
    sammyrhodesyoyohaIsaacKozell
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.