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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Gift @rolldiggity Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 11k
    • FAVS
    offwhitemonsterziggJosephGehringerAdar79Angienaughtywriter2junkyardigansporeguyaProChoiceRoyce
    • 20k
    • RETWEETS
    tannerswettspvvvtmuninzigggewtLasselelleSilverChanglingmiss_nerdgasmz
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmRitleySammichNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazed__ChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,609
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieMelleRisetteshelbymccabe4emilykunasekellieeborsttFeruCampos_rashiduhidlerj12
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    JohnOfMarsmarenaleneiseraisebieberidlerj12MikeVorotnikovegor_avinkin_lesleyblancoescobarlex
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 5,117
    • FAVS
    TrivaneshTrigg3rHippieshaakiraismail_jasgrensmooth_as_heckmatthurileymichaelmcgukI_am_Lukem
    • 7,115
    • RETWEETS
    jamieloxtonBrandeeBicklebrettminorTrigg3rHippie_DannyBrady_emmathehudbaconcocacolaBBRREEAADD
    darthmangaMrTurstkampsinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    "And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

    • 6,569
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieNick__GentileRogelioMesheetcakequeenlevel3endbossIsaacEHuntIAmQixNoveical
    • 3,672
    • RETWEETS
    lucas_sensiusYo_Simmity_SamJohnOfMarscammicakerstrevfoutchnopenopelmaoIsaac_WildeRogelioMe
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 4,631
    • FAVS
    Trigga_HiccupsiwearaonesiejaderenegadeSound_DeptAdxmJxnesIndieHipstersCalCherubbeckyjadebowen
    • 1,978
    • RETWEETS
    AmandaJoyLordAfalKEYofSTONE__SxRxRnR__KamAintShitRebeccaEarprenaguirremBusyBeaver92
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

    • 3,593
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieERICTR0NGambleTalentFreezeSabreGraceyBudBrillEddiealyssuh_19Annusjka
    • 2,999
    • RETWEETS
    haleyluvsyouuuFreezeSabreAirliaHayesontariosummersamandaa_elainehoppuspocusDatemeimjesushayleighbyers
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 1,512
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesienaohiro614xysistgabejklotzJonSawernero_crossplayJedistitchhurufkecil
    • 3,822
    • RETWEETS
    cleithartfavstar_historyymgreenwind1fjme2419nero_crossplayBasanti_ReturnsRahulChelsSShazoy
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 1,919
    • FAVS
    lisaxy424baseballchickieChiiraRollmaninozbees_wingzdysolutionTrulyValuedDanielSawyer26
    • 2,610
    • RETWEETS
    FrankJukiewicz_owens_marissaahtshittyThe_BackHandCallMe_CariTrulyValuedkyndriddConorKennedyy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,405
    • FAVS
    Didion65celestinelea90lisaxy424baseballchickieZeroFilterDarzLetMeStartfaizajafershopkins776
    • 1,918
    • RETWEETS
    Didion65KentRenepogelSrMiddleAgeGrumpbrightlylitcityTheSuniverselisaxy424Chris1197baseballchickie
    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

    • 2,038
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieERICTR0Npastelouijathecellar_door_Davis_RaoyasbencherifdamronburgundyVanilla_cupcak
    • 1,279
    • RETWEETS
    Comatose_BatVanilla_cupcakJustinspeacheskayleepariseborg01_RyanLeachCleesmeveld15mncorbisiero
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A crime or a miracle happened here. pic.twitter.com/GIoSrHHmjo

    • 1,895
    • FAVS
    ERICTR0NDavis_RaoyasbencherifdamronburgundyneondinergabbirawlingsKoscso1sarratonin
    • 927
    • RETWEETS
    SpncrFtck13GoingZackToCaliHannahStahlMarkPuliceash_ahlersDaReal_Chuckjodieknotthereecareyincville
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,921
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieBreadQDipTw1tter_K1ttenVanilla_cupcakJoeRomano14xysist__ambraDBwiddaDB
    • 797
    • RETWEETS
    Dominic_williamVanilla_cupcakDBwiddaDBmaryandpattyTheRealTonerPmattwithanhZora_d_1991dogbabe1001011
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 1,347
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieFunnyBoneClubskratosfrostbiteonume_xysistHashtagCheersIts_VandalICYSUNGOD
    • 1,264
    • RETWEETS
    xysistDibJoshGarthokkreTICKulousfavstar_historyheythisisbrianwastedsipsSuperIncreible
    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,056
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieLizaDubrovskinmunene27alizeeahmedd___k_elvin_coursouvrajames_burnleyiVince_43
    • 1,080
    • RETWEETS
    Unreal_1___k_elvinjgamerican_coursouvraeugineprinceeliud_Ianw_kechiVince_43
    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 567
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieVanilla_cupcakxysistreTICKulousthelittlephrase_CursedTeaRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_Guy
    • 1,325
    • RETWEETS
    VenousRisingVanilla_cupcak23_Liesdavidparker41notnotlukepeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimalive
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 930
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieonume_xysistamaniirthecanadianDJIts_VandalJBusch260anotherguyiknow
    • 703
    • RETWEETS
    ZachTheCommieahrabikxysistamaniirBombayKaBabuSpiderPissDibJoshreTICKulous
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

    • 687
    • FAVS
    xysistreTICKulousthelittlephrasehotsoccerchicDadBalloonsRenegadeofPantssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    hotsoccerchicJoshPetersen7HarryWKMSamSheehanJUSTLisandracoolwebsiteuseratlukeantonio__MikeFloorwalker
    StellacopternachosarahStacey0cerebralbalsy____
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 901
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieScottLinnenVanilla_cupcakjennsrivasanjocapipxcaLaniLiuHarryWKMxysist
    • 701
    • RETWEETS
    Vanilla_cupcakisabelmcnLaniLiuHarryWKMBombayKaBabulaur83_LaFierceeICYSUNGOD
    turndownfornapsKazlightyearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Still looking for leads in the case of "Who ate directly out of the watermelon?" pic.twitter.com/jKKhZ1cKdI

    • 998
    • FAVS
    ERICTR0NyasbencherifSpncrFtck13creationsoupnoahdruckenbrodshaneverploeghheisenberg_sRememberNguyen
    • 496
    • RETWEETS
    OCMartyelenamarie17LeBeauJauneRoi_DogsForLifeTheSaleemChurchofFree__JensenBrittaustinnevitt71
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [sound of chains clanking and distant roars]

    • 750
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesiebagofsaladbendelamemeswagmeoutmasonzachSIMBAileywhit_winkEmilyRippyGyarachuu
    • 670
    • RETWEETS
    fawningsharryspotttertaekeouttsvkiyamazachSIMBAileyEricallenharrisEricHarrisUAEmilyRippy
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.

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