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  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

    • 7,186
    • FAVS
    Im__brianobrienKhanolutionfinnwhschreiwarduhnnrenoartmobRubyRosesBandsenorshieldskaytahn
    • 17k
    • RETWEETS
    Im__brianobrienvinnyobrien319Optimvs_Jackfinnwhlynchcant_hangAndyMcSteezymeeejaySmileTime88
    SeanpocalypsenotfaizzyBeeStaplerbennybootfokmvaporcoffinNeutrontrilogyAlexandrJimnzezeddalyKyle_Lippertzachreinert03SeanBlazedChristianSoyYoMattBinderMikeRoeSortaBademilyinyellowchristinatheleeerica_rosie
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    New Parent Idea:
    1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
    2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

    • 7,550
    • FAVS
    tommymacabrevoidnothingsabn_360oklesS1Ricky_Jose10HeatherDeanneJumpedASharkairplaines913
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    Tamara_LynneMeghanOBRicky_Jose10TrollsPlayelijah9719soliitudeLlyrDfgfangirl
    lilmissphillipsdarthmanga
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Hide babies all over house.
    2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

    • 4,807
    • FAVS
    joshuahacktaseycaylorandramaejLordThadeTheMotherParisawowkthxbyeAPrettyCoolDadMauMaukita
    • 7,075
    • RETWEETS
    ATPanelookieitswookieCOOLNSPOOKYgoodasspostsTheFunnyFelaekatemarilollypopinziloveclarkkent
    darthmangaMrTurstKampSinkelkulusKalarlis
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

    • 1,510
    • FAVS
    nero_crossplayJedistitchhurufkecilgentlewoomanPravmagamasondotaLasmaSkAi_Vanna
    • 3,822
    • RETWEETS
    ymgreenwind1fjme2419nero_crossplayBasanti_ReturnsRahulChelsshaznxLaultyFogicithebiker
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

    • 2,880
    • FAVS
    Ellani_BelleJackChinnerkev_avery25krbednarskiSam_PanzerWillyWallace77elllllie32GagasIdleTeen
    • 2,326
    • RETWEETS
    sarahwally1RickyJaime1ShotgunMouseSweets_Tweets24austinnevitt71CourtGrangierMickenzieDeBeerTheHotBrown
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?

    • 2,875
    • FAVS
    bugmanwalkinOfficialSawyer_awils_Inspectah_EcktwinislesbandDangDeLuciaburgerwithateaSlee_
    • 1,211
    • RETWEETS
    Inspectah_EckIvyLMatthewsASAPBullwinkleDBwiddaDBaprillovechildKLaRontDanielwest138the_gwalla
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

    • 1,628
    • FAVS
    Dr_FillyBluntFabianAguirrednbrnsABurgerADayJoshPetersen7iwearaonesieSpicAndSpamKayrahKahzeeil
    • 2,458
    • RETWEETS
    Dr_FillyBluntpeterchaywardofficeresquireradicaljocywund3rfulgckrugerJoshPetersen7HollyceH
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

    • 1,385
    • FAVS
    JoseluHereJedistitchkobe_rg_blankpageTheTinaAbidesAmyJiveGordonChaffintrentalz
    • 1,914
    • RETWEETS
    Luna_BerryFireJoseluHereJedistitchwhym4njennabird96lenarotramehjewski25LauraPound
    mjohnny3Cameron_Sladeemilyinyellow
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

    • 2,008
    • FAVS
    brvdleypbBooMcMoneygufawwopenchakraJessG828local_maximaOiviiSeanMossy
    • 1,277
    • RETWEETS
    JessG828XxTMasseyPowndsigntenoqadylaelsaqqinaPSBStarsjasgreteaLizzieBtheQueen
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    A crime or a miracle happened here. pic.twitter.com/GIoSrHHmjo

    • 1,886
    • FAVS
    hbhela_57KatAttackTmTylerGHopkinslowbloodc6h12o6vin_liesljohnsonvhannahNoahBCallensydmorin
    • 925
    • RETWEETS
    bradfislerTylerGHopkinsJonathan_BurrJackTancillNic_hensleyjackariah_zacsamuelbabcocklinnybeckk
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.

    • 1,916
    • FAVS
    DavidRussell323joek37wivvybooPaolaRiccoMDiets9wrogessoloporjoderWeirdLawyergodlovehischild
    • 796
    • RETWEETS
    TatiiGraciagodlovehischildwijadijaJulianaAbaunzaAngelicaBufanowhoisalexkimyohamletOConnorWatts
    BeeStapler
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

    • 1,334
    • FAVS
    ryankirbyCMRohlingRichaodMaraWritesStuffFiaca4colexicoillogicnekochikSKZak
    • 1,262
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyheythisisbrianwastedsipsSuperIncreiblecolexicoillogicnekochikryankirbyJoshPetersen7
    GeireKamiBeeStaplerzachreinert03wondroushippoBrentweets
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
    ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."

    • 1,026
    • FAVS
    mattmottmuttLordThadeHashtagBetmaebemarblesFazio_NLeprechaunGanggoodasspostsDommyJB
    • 1,073
    • RETWEETS
    notjeffdeckerpeenuh_popJoshPetersen7s_dsz__soymitologiaJCSanveraandymerzGuzabra
    JosesLovesYouNeutrontrilogy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.

    • 562
    • FAVS
    _CursedTeaRuysvogelThe_Lazenby_GuyWeirdsworth__Playing_Dadtnylgn23_LiesCalebHorvath
    • 1,324
    • RETWEETS
    23_Liesdavidparker41notnotlukepeewrinkleCoreyDMonroeimagineimaliveKoquettishJodesaroo
    TimHaines
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

    • 684
    • FAVS
    goodasspostsDadBalloonsRenegadeofPantssydneydurrantJoshPetersen7_CursedTeaBandersnaaatchDearflynn
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    goodasspostsJoshPetersen7HarryWKMSamSheehanJUSTLisandracoolwebsiteuseratlukeantonio__MikeFloorwalker
    StellacopternachosarahStacey0cerebralbalsy____
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
    2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
    3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

    • 914
    • FAVS
    debomaATPanegoodasspostsDadBalloonsRooneyntheBeastameo02demithetTheKenyan_
    • 700
    • RETWEETS
    emhaaschsavx666jerschobelMichiiMariee0zMoviesradicaljocyHandsome3KMuryGoRound
    loveletterbombsrorynotroy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Business Plan:
    1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
    2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
    3. Gently press a knife into their side.

    • 882
    • FAVS
    DrangulaChuckyNookieJedistitchkevintripleunairobian_TheKenyan_Bong_MongerFlrsi
    • 690
    • RETWEETS
    Jedistitchmpozii___k_elvinTheKenyan_Bong_MongerKelsHottingTheFakeAlias_CursedTea
    turndownfornapsKazLightYearz
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Still looking for leads in the case of "Who ate directly out of the watermelon?" pic.twitter.com/jKKhZ1cKdI

    • 998
    • FAVS
    elenamarie17Sam_OHaraLacRillervin_lieslhestericalmadissmallneutralmllkPetitePR
    • 496
    • RETWEETS
    elenamarie17LeBeauJauneRoi_DogsForLifeTheSaleemChurchofFreeJensenBrittaustinnevitt71CourtGrangier
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    ME: "Trick or bear?"
    NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
    ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
    [sound of chains clanking and distant roars]

    • 748
    • FAVS
    niketnonSitas_the_FoolFigtreedoctorLuzTapiaArtLotusZeldathisismydesignnEmmy_catbugcircesisle
    • 660
    • RETWEETS
    NFKailantsvetmoovaSitas_the_Foollaritheatrestellesorridonothisismydesignnironicbotfleetcmd
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    1. Walk into gas station dressed as an astronaut.
    2. Unfold map.
    3. Say, "I'm trying to get here," and point to spot a foot above the map.

    • 757
    • FAVS
    ChuckyNookieAccio_Glitterjasonccarney99joedan2010TheKenyan__CursedTea0zMoviessheisartmoney
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    69shadesoftaarursuladt_CursedTeafgb_sherlocksnowsenceskekantusJuniza___farida_hamimi
    BeeStapler
@rolldiggity

@rolldiggity

Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.