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New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.
ME: "Trick or bear?"
ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
"And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.
Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing
When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.
I love how Trump beats down opponents until they quit and then he recruits them to fight for him and OH MY GOD TRUMP IS A POKEMON TRAINER.
INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."
What do you do when one of your "basic rights" keeps shooting all your other basic rights? Asking for a friend country.
Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.
1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
3. Gently press a knife into their side.
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
Writer on Community, Rick and Morty. Giraffe enthusiast.
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