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New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.
When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.
INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..."
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign.
2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go."
3. Gently press a knife into their side.
Little girl sitting next to me on the plane colored Winnie the Pooh's face green. Great, I'm sitting next to a moron.
If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and wordlessly beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.
Fun Game: Go to elementary school soccer games, and when a parent asks, "Which one's yours?" say, "I haven't decided yet."
Since so many people who speak out against gay marriage end up being gay, I've decided to start speaking out against superhero marriage.
Proud to live in a country where moms get a day and sharks get a week!
I bet if a cop shouted, "Stop in the name of love!" by mistake, the thief would laugh but then maybe stop and think, "What if he's the one?"
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.
1. Wait for woman to enter revolving door.
2. Push against it so she's stuck inside.
3. Ask about her hobbies!
Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.
When the pilot says, "This is your captain speaking," I like to brush the hair from his eyes and whisper, "This is your passenger listening"
Writer. Amateur magician. Giraffe enthusiast.