I know people say, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight," but if there's an unsliced cake at this fight, we're all going to look like idiots.

Never try to con a con man. And DEFINITELY never try to milk a milk man.

Someone saying, "What's the worst that could happen?" is my cue to release the bees.

A good way to speed up natural selection would be to lock every fire alarm with a logic puzzle.

FYI: NEVER tell a girl, "Hey sweetie, how about a smile?" For all you know, her mouth is filled with bees.

"And so the student becomes the student." -Grad Student

1. Tattoo "I'M WATCHING YOU" on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him

"My God... they've found us," the doctors trembled, as the terrible shadow of an apple tree passed their motel window.

Fun Game: Shout, "Quick, I know a shortcut!" and then spend 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to push through a nearby hedge.

Pokemon Pitch: "So they're animals. And kids fight them. Almost to death. And they're so brain damaged they can only say their own names."

Remember, nearly all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within ten minutes of not checking themselves.

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.

Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.

If a mailman dies on duty, just put stamps over his eyes, write "Heaven" on his forehead, and shove him in a mailbox.

New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

If a fellow criminal says, "There's no way out! The building is surrounded!", DON'T say, "Maybe we can escape into our imaginations!"

PRISONER: "What are you in for?"
ME: [empties pockets to reveal thousands of mattress tags]

I bet all the homeless people in Metropolis are really well-dressed, what with all the suits Superman has to abandon in back alleys.

Getting over my fear of public speaking by barging into courtrooms to deliver improvised, "In a way, aren't we all guilty?" speeches.