After spending $600 on credit at IKEA I realize that I put my freedom on the line for a fucking rug and some candles.

nothing's more absurd than a reality t.v. star who's famous from a sex tape declining to answer a question as "too personal". #neverforget

#FF @nealbrennan @goldnfrnknstein @chipmurphys @happygodrink funny fucking people

I think it's time they officially renamed the fragrance "Drakkar Noir" to "Bro It's Best" #armohooker

i finally figured out the "take me down to paradise city" is really code for "rape me in tijuana and dump my body in the rio grande".

Realizing that my defensive cock blocking is atrocious. I am definitely more of an offensive receiver. #fantasyfucking

Don't blame me. Blame my mother for naming me after a girl who ran off with a little gay boy every nite to fuck with pirates.#subversiveshit

there are men whose wives are so scary I want to just give them a hug.

@goldnfrnknstein I would prefer a nice and proper Tom Hardy rape myself. #HardyRape

@goldnfrnknstein You had me at "fingered".

There is nothing left to open. We are exposed to our cores.

@stellartwot Chablis is the hickey on your breast.

I love it when stupid motherfuckers think I'm golly dang sweet but find out that my tongue is a silver needle pushing into their brains.

@crouchenpuma A star for being fucking funny. Bonus points for comprehending the correct meaning of irony.

my greatest weapon is indifference.

it's true. i bite.

the dream chases me... not the other way around.

@twattybumbalati http://t.co/LAoWrhQ8

i'm so horny i'm starting to miss my stalker.

@goldnfrnknstein @jeremypiven close... it's actually a "Hollywood Jew asshole hobbit" fetish.