Still in Vegas. The line to not see Celine Dion is HUGE.

Kim Kardashian must be *so* excited to be married so she can have sex for the first time ever.

The bag of chips that gets stuck in a vending machine pretty much sums up every interaction I've had with a girl.

If you expect more than nothing, I've set the bar too high.

Listen, females.. If your cry face is ugly, don't even think about me consoling you. Gross.

Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter http://t.co/bnG2bHx

I'm so happy they let the Three 6 Mafia out of jail. Finally, justice has been served.

Tweet some winning lottery numbers, you idiot! RT @futuremikehenry This sandwich is just OK.

If someone is really angry with you, just keep throwing them surprise parties everyday so they can't yell at you.

Sometimes I still give my Dad a flat-head screwdriver, just to disappoint him for old time's sake.

I like when my face breaks out in the gaps of my beard because it makes it look full.



I wish that was more joke than truth.

Rose petals are expensive, just throw bbq chips all over your bed.

Walking is for poor people, ruin your knees with a power saw and enjoy your smooth ride to the store on your new electric scooter.

The best part about a toddler yelling "GO AWAY" is hiding in a closet until they panic then scaring the shit out of them when you jump out.

Realniggas dont have to explain their tweets to nobody

I stepped in a puddle and my socks are all wet and stuff and now I totally get it, New Orleans.

If you want to take a shower, take a shower. I put deodorant on my penis. Boom. Let's go to the zoo.

This Friday night has really picked up ever since my sunburn started peeling.

Creating spiders was kind of a dick move God.

Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.