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  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Whenever I see someone driving a Toyota Highlander, my first instinct is to run them off the road as I scream "There can only be one!"

    • 25
    • FAVS
    NickSchugMurseBrianRN_ouisaIanWearsPantsDigitalArkoceanmist1224eurosatteRickyBobby_23
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    WadeNJerryMmmmBurritosameliorerlafoiAriztobrat________i_am_gram541Matticusseh113telnol83
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    ATTN: All men. For the love of god please open doors for women and stand up when you shake hands.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozuhhhleashuhhhjohnsobeymarklindsdonninanoblossomAsaMasterman______
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    theSHOEterForgedInFireSCgabriellowenathandelturcoherkyjerkyKDBryanepflynnwinningIrish413
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    I just taught a 7 year old how to put Cheetos inside a PB&J. I'm feeling pretty good about my contributions to humanity thus far.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    LolvarezbifflechipsinxiridaCassfullofjoytigersgoroooarcfhartinwrdsmythe________ispypanda
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_popcfhartinCool_Jessenanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    I was only speeding to get to the liquor store before my buzz wears off, officer.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    luciemaryharristight666moringa22________RunningMama2willchaseChug_A_Luggthedoucheabidesplungeritis
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_popnbosik____________RunningMama2demunonenanoblossomInkyKitty
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    In my modern adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, tragedy strikes when Romeo discovers his cell phone doesn't accept picture messages.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    iamsaltlakesenderblock23Miscolomc_hammurabimikeydxomaskedsquidnanoblossom
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    MiscoloFakedelmikeydxomdg1224lynney51davidflatmannanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    The best part about being human is trying to maintain the illusion of control as you're being flung through space at 60,000 miles per hour.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    BilyShearsImnotreallynatedipsydooley______donniplungeritismikeatonjrThisNatenanoblossom
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    joshesantillanBilyShearsImnotreallynatenanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Richard Dawkins Drinking Game: 1) bashes theology: take a sip. 2) Quotes himself: finish drink. Alcohol poisoning by Chapter 3.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    blakearnetteJihadKittynanoblossomdrhoctor2thekevinwilsonAsaMasterman______
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    antonacciolswb0__zeitgeistJihadKittynanoblossomdrhoctor2
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    "Haha, you'll never see your cat again." — Smoke detectors

    • 8
    • FAVS
    JohnTheBastardOuterJohnksujuliedelroyeeStrasiUnitTheNardvarkTLproctornanoblossom
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Mckoooomasterbennelsnanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Cute girl at bar: "You know, I've got DVDs of the Simpsons if you ever wa-"
    Me: "Yeah, that's ok, I'll just pirate them"
    #isuckatgirls

    • 6
    • FAVS
    teamblockJohnOrachlittlegadflyJohnTheBastardnanoblossomthekevinwilson
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    wovenoceanmemefan2000nanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Cooties be damned! We're kissing with our mouths this time.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    eurosattedelroyeeasdf_ghjkl________jerryReneknanoblossom
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    FlahertyMollieitskellydnanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Neighbor's smoke detector has been beeping all morning. I hope he's already dead so I don't have to kill him myself.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    apopagasmoceanmist1224quecmoAgamemNOMNOMRunningMama2nanoblossom
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    chicagowalesnanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    That awful moment when you realize you forgot to pause Pandora and missed the first three quarters of "Gangsta's Paradise."

    • 4
    • FAVS
    Marley981markbrockmanRunningMama2nanoblossom
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    kaitlancollinsjdkewlnanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Typing in all caps makes my inner voice hoarse.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    MarshaFatFacethekevinwilsonlittlegadflyixSEANxinanoblossom
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    sock_puppette____nanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Jedi bowling must be SO boring.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    thekevinwilsonquecmoantichristadonninanoblossom
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    nanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Accidentally drink fly in your coffee. Google West Nile Virus symptoms.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    MarshaFatFacethekevinwilsonlittlegadflymzeldnanoblossom
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    nanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Turns out the capital of Nebraska is Super Nebraska

    • 4
    • FAVS
    ray12a____________OuterJohnnanoblossomthekevinwilson
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    ray12a____________nanoblossom
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    I’m so drunk I could watch Batman and Robin.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    rolljumpPatCnanoblossomthekevinwilson
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    PatC
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Rational thinking would be so much easier if I didn't have this stupid penis.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    tinylazythingnanoblossomNikki_the_trampitskellydanacardiorosso
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    "Any movie that can be filmed in Boston will contain our songs in the soundtrack." — Dropkick Murphys Law

    • 2
    • FAVS
    dan_oppalexeifink
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    WhyAlwaysNUTVinceNotVanceanacardiorosso
  • rolljump
      Isaac @rolljump

    Squish spider under important work notebook. Never check. Buy new notebook.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    mikeatonjrnanoblossom
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    chicagowaleskaitlancollinsnanoblossom
@rolljump

@rolljump

var DID_DADDY_UNDERSTAND_ME:Boolean = false;