Whenever I see someone driving a Toyota Highlander, my first instinct is to run them off the road as I scream "There can only be one!"

ATTN: All men. For the love of god please open doors for women and stand up when you shake hands.

I just taught a 7 year old how to put Cheetos inside a PB&J. I'm feeling pretty good about my contributions to humanity thus far.

I was only speeding to get to the liquor store before my buzz wears off, officer.

In my modern adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, tragedy strikes when Romeo discovers his cell phone doesn't accept picture messages.

The best part about being human is trying to maintain the illusion of control as you're being flung through space at 60,000 miles per hour.

Richard Dawkins Drinking Game: 1) bashes theology: take a sip. 2) Quotes himself: finish drink. Alcohol poisoning by Chapter 3.

"Haha, you'll never see your cat again." — Smoke detectors

Cute girl at bar: "You know, I've got DVDs of the Simpsons if you ever wa-"
Me: "Yeah, that's ok, I'll just pirate them"
#isuckatgirls

Cooties be damned! We're kissing with our mouths this time.

Neighbor's smoke detector has been beeping all morning. I hope he's already dead so I don't have to kill him myself.

That awful moment when you realize you forgot to pause Pandora and missed the first three quarters of "Gangsta's Paradise."

Typing in all caps makes my inner voice hoarse.

Accidentally drink fly in your coffee. Google West Nile Virus symptoms.

Turns out the capital of Nebraska is Super Nebraska

Rational thinking would be so much easier if I didn't have this stupid penis.

"Any movie that can be filmed in Boston will contain our songs in the soundtrack." — Dropkick Murphys Law

Squish spider under important work notebook. Never check. Buy new notebook.

Guys I srsly I dont recommend drinking and programming. Im a half a beer away from turing this JavaScript file into a diary entry.

No matter how many times I check the spelling, I still get uncomfortable typing "analytics" when emailing clients.