The new iPhone is thinner and taller - like young phones aren't already faced with impossible body expectations. When will this madness end?

Advice please: about to get massage, should I be in underwear or just a towel? It's one of these coin-op chairs in the mall if that helps.

Just to clarify: twitter IS my drafts folder.

This is the winter of our disco tent.

Today an angry driver asked me if I was "a professional a-hole". Haha! As if I'd ever sacrifice my amateur status for money.

I protect my tweets from being stolen by ensuring their quality is far below the effort required to cut and paste.

It's a ballsy individual who goes for a high-five at funerals.

Perfectly coordinated crowds waving flags on an empty stomach is the national sport of North Korea.

The best sort of motivational personal training would be to remind guys furiously pumping iron that none of this will ever make them taller.

"No. I'm just a regular pig who happens to live in Guinea." - A pig in Guinea, who also talks, evidently.

Every time Bigfoot tries to post his profile pic, it goes all blurry and ends up looking like a big dummy wearing a shag rug in the bushes.

has a lousy sense of direction ------>

"Family Ties" had a deceptively low number of incestuous BDSM themed episodes.

My feminine-side just told my masculine-side it only thinks of it "as a brother-side."

Unlike Shakira's, my hips are prone to flamboyant exaggeration.

Please support my charity "Rappers Without Confidence".

"I, Avril, promise to love and care for you, in sickness and in health."
"I, Mr Nickleback, like your pants around your feet."

Just had a look over my timeline. I put the "sass" in "disassociative personality disorder".

I know ex-gay therapy is largely discredited these days, but has anyone tried playing an episode of Glee backwards?

The worrying thing about Lance Armstrong is all the impressionable young drug users who might be tempted to copy their idol and try cycling.