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Kevin Costner, you've failed us again. #tincup
Netflix guessing what you would like is like when your parents guessed what shitty ugly school clothes you wanted every fall.
Now repeat after me Gen-Y'ers: I am super duper special and unique and everything I do is a miracle and my music does not suck and mommy...
I'm going to the Kentucky Derby! *drinks five mint juleps, flips off a bunch of My Little Ponies at Toys R Us*
Hopscotch is the chalk outlines of dead sudoku players.
This has gone too far. Newman's Own Cigarettes? C'mon.
Bucket list: crash a car thru one of the "O"s in the HOLLYWOOD sign then emerge covered in soot hand in hand with a chimp. High five!
People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", I don't think shitting yourself, being embalmed and eaten by worms is as comfy as a new duvet.
People always mention the Hershey squirts, but Nestle is a locally based company so I go with the Nestle Under Duress-lies.
The only loser in a rap battle is English.
Time to play the parking lot's favorite game show: Drunk driver or Old person?
I've got an idea for a manly ass show. UFC fighters kicking in storage unit doors.
Taco salad: health food for single men.
If you're all alone, watching Chopped right now at 3 am Saturday night, just know that I love you and everything is going to be okay.
Love when my favorite song comes on and I just blow red lights and crosswalks cuz I'm feeling it.
The eHarmony guy drives around in a windowless van finding dates just for YOU.
An Italian who goes to a dominatrix is a meatball sub.
We get it, Greeks! You have your own yogurt. What else have you done for mankind? Oh right,Olympics,arts and science. But other than those??
When I see anything has actually been done correctly at work in my absence,I nearly shed tears. Like the proud parent of a Special Olympian.
When Mark Wahlberg has people over, he shows them his new Ikea rug and is all "CMON CMON, FEEL IT FEEL IT!!"
Attended Juilliard, graduate of Harvard business school, travel extensively, lived through Black Plague, seen The Exorcist 167 times.