Kevin Costner, you've failed us again. #tincup

Netflix guessing what you would like is like when your parents guessed what shitty ugly school clothes you wanted every fall.

Now repeat after me Gen-Y'ers: I am super duper special and unique and everything I do is a miracle and my music does not suck and mommy...

I'm going to the Kentucky Derby! *drinks five mint juleps, flips off a bunch of My Little Ponies at Toys R Us*

Hopscotch is the chalk outlines of dead sudoku players.

This has gone too far. Newman's Own Cigarettes? C'mon.

Bucket list: crash a car thru one of the "O"s in the HOLLYWOOD sign then emerge covered in soot hand in hand with a chimp. High five!

People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", I don't think shitting yourself, being embalmed and eaten by worms is as comfy as a new duvet.

People always mention the Hershey squirts, but Nestle is a locally based company so I go with the Nestle Under Duress-lies.

The only loser in a rap battle is English.

Time to play the parking lot's favorite game show: Drunk driver or Old person?

I've got an idea for a manly ass show. UFC fighters kicking in storage unit doors.

Taco salad: health food for single men.

If you're all alone, watching Chopped right now at 3 am Saturday night, just know that I love you and everything is going to be okay.

Love when my favorite song comes on and I just blow red lights and crosswalks cuz I'm feeling it.

The eHarmony guy drives around in a windowless van finding dates just for YOU.

An Italian who goes to a dominatrix is a meatball sub.

We get it, Greeks! You have your own yogurt. What else have you done for mankind? Oh right,Olympics,arts and science. But other than those??

When I see anything has actually been done correctly at work in my absence,I nearly shed tears. Like the proud parent of a Special Olympian.

When Mark Wahlberg has people over, he shows them his new Ikea rug and is all "CMON CMON, FEEL IT FEEL IT!!"