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Let's dance to Bjork and pretend colored pencils still matter.
Kevin Costner, you've failed us again. #tincup
Aaahh, the plot thinnens...
Hey quinoa, quit impersonating us! - maggots
Netflix guessing what you would like is like when your parents guessed what shitty ugly school clothes you wanted every fall.
Twitter famous= I will have the Spaghettios WITH meatballs tonight, mother. Had a long day watching VH1.
If your dog poops on a walk and you're out of bags, simply cover it with your wallet and walk away! No one's the wiser..
Now repeat after me Gen-Y'ers: I am super duper special and unique and everything I do is a miracle and my music does not suck and mommy...
I'm going to the Kentucky Derby! *drinks five mint juleps, flips off a bunch of My Little Ponies at Toys R Us*
Hopscotch is the chalk outlines of dead sudoku players.
This has gone too far. Newman's Own Cigarettes? C'mon.
I'm always more surprised at the fluctuating length of my meat more than I am the weather.
Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man...wait, a hybrid half man, half piano! We will socialize him and teach him to love.
Watching Miss USA with my mom. Cranking up the cattiness to 11.
Bucket list: crash a car thru one of the "O"s in the HOLLYWOOD sign then emerge covered in soot hand in hand with a chimp. High five!
People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", I don't think shitting yourself, being embalmed and eaten by worms is as comfy as a new duvet.
People always mention the Hershey squirts, but Nestle is a locally based company so I go with the Nestle Under Duress-lies.
The only loser in a rap battle is English.
Time to play the parking lot's favorite game show: Drunk driver or Old person?