my friend just came out of the closet, not as a gay guy, but a magician...I dont think I can hang with him no more.

making a woman laugh is like giving her a rated G orgasm

In a one-night stand, women always say the same thing before sexy time, Im goin to the bathroom to freshen up AKA wash my crotch in the sink

The 5 second rule doesnt work with unprotected sex either, but I get why we want to believe in it. #datshittastegoood

If you shove a filipino guys face into a corner, his nose allows him to press his face into that corner closer than any other nose #ladies

comics that heckle other comics usually aren't comics, its the same thing as the homeless yelling at ppl who have jobs

This is creepy.The teen working at Pinkberry ask what size frozen yogurt I wanted n I looked at her n said A-cup..then said shit n just ran

btw, make sure you dont mix up your search box with your status box, for a split second your friends could see who you're creeping

Killa shows w @themarkdebonis and @montymofoscott at comedy vault in Boston..back in TO till thursand

It felt weird watchin great white actors say the n-word many times in D'Jango.They could've made it more comfortable for us by castin Kramer

In Kitchener yukyuks with @peterisfunny and @kvonhagen - 2 of the best in the business. tonight @ 8pm and 10pm

I always get booked in colleges that never accepted me

@patthornton The precursor of pizza was focaccia,a flat bread knwn 2 Romans as "panis focacius" 2 which toppings were then added #foodfacts

@montymofoscott drinks like he just lost his job

never trust a girl who during sex says, "ok, now check THIS out"

@imadamdavid @davemerheje @ryanhorwood @bryanhatt @hunter_collins @standupali i just know that bryan is hottest thing on 3 feet

If you put on your status " I killed on stage" you might as well put " I'm famous" too

if your bit burns 50 calories, you're trying too hard

happy to be part of this great line-up of nominations @mark_forward @davemerheje @zedlacher @ronsparksjr

Stand-up comedy is a one-sided conversation/relationship w/audience.Ur w/ a hilariously abusive,self-indulgent,self-centred,parter for 45min