My favorite old western movie is "Debbie Does Dallas".

Is this that holiday, when you hit Mexicans with sticks, a whole bunch of candy falls out of them?

Dear neighbor, I work graveyards this week, can you kindly please shut the fuck up and stop roofing your house?

For some reason, my wife is taking notes while watching Snapped.

My favorite part of inlaws is when they don't come over.

Dear Buffalo Wild Wings, if I wanted shitty food served with a pissy attitude, I would of just stayed home and cooked.

If your mom walks you to work, because you both work the same street corner, then you're a ho.

I bet chinese restaurants get really excited when it rains cats and dogs.

I quit sticking my dick in my wife's mouth while she sleeps, because she grinds her teeth.

Ummm, yeah... I'm gonna need you to work some overtime today.

*Me to my liver, in the voice of the boss from "Office Space".

I save all my good jokes for Myspace.

I hope the couple at Walmart, that argued with the cashier over 25 cents and wasted 20 minutes of my time, die a horrible death in a fire.

This tweet is made possible by my sudden urge to poop.

Rednecks would have a heyday, if David Sunflower Seeds came out with a Copenhagen flavor.

It's times like this, when I wish I still had my blow up sheep.

We're going to the inlaw's today. I wonder if they still have that stupid rule, "No snot rockets on the front porch"?

I'm not kissing homeless guys anymore, that guy in Miami ruined it for me.

You guys are my favorite coworkers!

Thank you all for the follows, rts and stars!

I have more than 200 followers in less than 2 months.

Fuckin shit, you guys must be desperate to follow ANYONE.