The only thing I envy about redheads is their strawberry breast milk.

You never want to be known as, "That guy with the sandals."

Wanna make a girl cry? Say, "Your chins are so cute today!"

My goal weight is feather.

@wilheuser my band would be "Something Better" so when we went after the first act, they'd announce, "And next up... Something Better"

I'm sick of people who just bullshit their way through the macarena.

Dear Pregnant Lady sitting at Starbucks, Close your legs. I can smell your baby wanting to come out of that Woman Cave of yours.

I bet Ke$ha eats $ushi with her hand$.

I can't wait for that pin the tail on the dolphin movie.

Do these pants make my vagina look tight?

Ladies, when will our vaginas heal?

Shouldn't it be called Unplanned Parenthood?

Blonde Asians = Blasians. Library Asians = Librasians. Rich Asians = Raisins?

Dear Diary, I farted today in my car and I just needed someone to know.

You can tell what kind of mood I'm in by how deep my V-neck is.

Throwing rose pedals on the bed is romantic. But if you threw Flaming Hot Cheetos on the bed, I'd love you forever.

I haven't started paying off my school loans BUT I did just buy the most delicious smelling 15 dollar candle. #Priorities

I wish I may, I wish I might, See five chubby girls in a chubby girl fight...

Dance like no one's watching. OR! Dance like everyone's masturbating AND watching.

Can you stop being you and start being Xanax?