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@roughdiction's most faved Tweets...
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
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Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
That belt really highlights where your waist would be if you had any self control.
When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.
Jesus might love me but my girlfriend gives me blowjobs so religion is stupid.
My stars aren't sticking on Favrd. This is such bullshit. They should just shut that site down.
This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon.
The more of these social networks I join, the more I hate you people.
My girlfriend gives the best back rubs; the kind where she uses her mouth on my dick.
If I star her tweet about our relationship problems, thats the same as an apology right?
The person I want to be is always overruled by the person I actually am.
We met last week at Gymboree. My kid kept hitting yours with that stick. I felt a connection. I wrote my number on your toddler. Call me.
A kid was hitting me with his toy for 15 minutes. I would never hurt a child but I was impressed how well his mom took a punch to the face.
I get asked a lot of questions. Luckily, the answer to all of them is, Because I'm an asshole.
A wise man once said, Sorry honey I am wrong.
This cab driver thinks I don't notice him taking the long way. I don't mind because I don't have any money anyway.
I'm overworked and underdrunk.
I'm glad the ex-wife is raising our son vegan because sometimes I run out reasons for wanting to punch her in the face.
If God wanted me to work, would he have made me so fuckin' lazy? Think about it.
You know that feeling you get after a really rewarding day at work?

Could you describe it for the rest of us?
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