My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.

A retweet is a selfless act that shows you are comfortable with others being funnier than you.

If god doesn't support same sex marriage, explain rainbows.

Jesus might love me but my girlfriend gives me blowjobs so religion is stupid.

When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

That belt really highlights where your waist would be if you had any self control.

I followed you for months before I even heard of Twitter.

This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon.

She said if I buy the batteries and don't talk until she is finished, I can take credit for the orgasm.

Good morning beautiful breasts of my neighbor. How did you get inside these binoculars?

My girlfriend gives the best back rubs; the kind where she uses her mouth on my dick.

The person I want to be is always overruled by the person I actually am.

I figure I have two good years before my son figures out that I'm an asshole.

Finding the perfect mate is a fine balance between their emotional baggage and oral sex skills.

The more of these social networks I join, the more I hate you people.

Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like depression.

If loving her this way is wrong, I sure hope she doesn't wake up.

If I star her tweet about our relationship problems, thats the same as an apology right?

If unzipping my pants and saying go isn't romantic. I give up.