"Cccrrrssshhhh -- aw, I can't hear you, I'm going through a tunnel -- cccrrssshhh --, you're breaking up." My mom: "We're in person."

I sleep naked so if someone ever breaks into my house to steal things, they'll see me and have sex instead

I was worried that the jungle would be sort of ruthless and unfriendly, but thank you for welcoming me!

It's colder than a hug from my mom tonight.

It really should be easier to find out if an actor who appeared as a murder suspect in an episode of "Law & Order" is married.

I taught my wife how domain name resolution works.

I'm still not going to get any, tonight.

AND LO, I CAME UPON YOU AND YOU WERE ALL LIKE "GROSS, LORD."

I don't know, tranquilized sex panda chained to my radiator. You just seem so distant lately.

"Virginia Slim" is my favorite oxymoron.

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wine to blur the difference.

Go ahead. Prove how much you fucking hate me. Leave me a voice mail.

The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

Why do people continue to act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency?