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ATTENTION: People, can we PLEASE carry on with the Adele jokes? Otherwise women are in SERIOUS danger of accepting themselves.
Going to a strip club is like sitting in front of a conveyor belt of delicious cakes you can't eat. And all the cakes fucking hate you.
Love to see toffs outraged. Hey Toffs, this is a fraction of how we feel about the NHS...
People who didn't have kids in their teens- joke's on us, because this shit takes the sort energy that only young people have.
Steven Gerrard today insisting something be done about the Serbian FA. Unknown whether he was still wearing his fucking Suarez shirt.
Middle Class Parents,
Your toddler is not the centre of MY universe. If he runs into my groin again, I will fucking hurt him.
A friend lost weight by not eating wheat. If I hacked my own limbs off with a rusty saw,I'd lose some too. Equally attractive options to me.
White men with dreadlocks,
You've told me all I need to know about your private education. And pubes.
Lisa Stansfield's baby
Last seen: Approximately 1989
"I've got Soul but I'm not a Soldier" is a ridiculously meaningless lyric. I've got a cunt but I'm not from Scunthorpe.
Men don't like women who talk about menstruation. Maybe because we're stepping on the toes of the constant bowel movement narrative by men.
It's a wonder men who threaten women on twitter can even reach the keyboard, with their massively cumbersome penises in the way.
I hate sharing an island with people who find Al Murray and Keith Lemon funny.
Dear Heather Mills,
You deserved more money.
I for ONE am glad the media focus has swiftly moved on to non-consensual topless pics, instead of a quarter century establishment cover up.
Even the word jubilee sounds like a bit of a piss take. Mind you, if you can convince a nation of paupers to celebrate your wealth: gangsta.
I wrote a song... I wrote a song for yooouuuu... And it was called Beige.
In these times of austerity it's worth remembering that twitter stars are fucking FREE.
There's something of the rum fucker about me, granted. I write to subsidise a complex junk food habit. I like football, Kurosawa, Dolly Parton & Hip Hop.