I bet that following most chicks on twitter is a lot like being married to them. You get to listen to them bitch and don't get to fuck them

Smart blondes are oxymorons whereas dumb blondes are foxymorons

Give that itch a scratch.

Itches love scratches.

The manly way to end a letter is to put XYXY

I hate being in a bad part of town, I always end up robbing someone.

I just haven't been able to get a good nights sleep since R.E.M broke up

Read a whole ESPN blog entry about hamstring injuries this week before I realized it was written by a woman. Reading it backwards to unlearn

I wish I knew how many random people have tweeted about something dumb they saw me doing real life

I live a sedimentary lifestyle because I rock.

Why can't I just live for a living

How many strippers are Polish?

I'd be perfect if it weren't for all this damn modesty

And on the 8th day He said, "A snooze shall only be 9 minutes." And it was.

Not having anything to talk about is the leading cause of explaining fantasy football to old people at family functions

Worrying about punctuation at the end of tweets has taken 4 years off my life from time + stress

The world will probably end at like 5pm tomorrow, just to give us one last workday

I bet David Bowie is somewhere kicking himself for not thinking of the leather skinny jean and leather skirt combo

I shitzu not, they are dumb dogs

100% of sassy fat chicks make up 36% of Adele's fan base. The rest are regular fat chicks.

@dudehugs dog irl pic.twitter.com/Kaanq5nYUL