#fivewordsforcameron @johnprescott This is an Eton Mess

I was going to have a nose job today but the Surgeons have decided to picket

@wikiballs A beach is made up of billions of grains of sand, each one no bigger than a grain of sand (spawnyget 2001)

@twoptwips CONFUSE Asda Staff when they ask you if you'd like anything else by saying "I've had a good day Jim so I won't gamble"

@twoptwips CONVINCE people you're an off-duty Bin Man by nailing a rancid teddy to the front of your car

Lovely crisp morning. Already had 2 packets of salt and vinegar and a cheese and onion

#cheesefilms @thepoke Who framed Roger Welsh Rarebit

Start my new job at Trebor on wednesday. I've worked for them before but I need to go on a Refresher course

@twoptwips. BURTONS and GREGGS are the logical shop windows to show your arse in since the demise of Woolworths

If all the Pound Shops were laid end to end it would look like St HelensTown Centre #madeupstaturday

Look, I'm not saying that Princess Anne looks like the back of a boat but she can look a little stern sometimes

59,843,604 people in the UK were not murdered yesterday #positivenews

Please note that the Alton Towers ghost train will only be operating with a skeleton staff over the Christmas period

#imdavidbret I am and so is my wife

@twoptwips SENDING your slimming twips to Weight Watchers will guarantee you a much wider audience

Calamari's good value. It's only a squid

@nottwips PRETEND you're a fly tipper by giving five pounds to a bluebottle

@twoptwips CONVINCE yourself you're stark raving mad by entering Costa and getting a coffee and a cake in exchange for £7-00

@twoptwips CONVINCE workmates you're an ex fighter pilot by looking right when they say there's a delivery at 3 o'clock

#cheesefilms @thepoke The Gouda, the Bad and the Ugly