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Sorry, I can’t hang out tonight. I’m combing all the crumbs out of my dog’s fur.
Oysters: pistachios of the sea
Communism: It Ain't No Fun If The Homies Can't Have None
There is zero hubris involved when I say that my calves are otherworldly.
RT if you stayed on the case even after the chief called you a loose cannon and told you to turn in your gun and badge
Imagine a beautiful woman caring about your tweets.
Weird how when a dog sniffs people's crotches it's OK, but when I do it, it's sensual as fuck.
I seldom do hammer tweets, but when I do, they're ball-peen hammer tweets.
Unfollow me if you're a spider.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he thought his father would ever actually be proud of him for doing something that he loved to do?
Baby, I'd actually compare you to an over-the-pants HJ from a rose on the grave.
when god closes one door, he opens another and it's just like geez god were you raised in a barn? smh
Almost 30, but still not sure if I'm ready to have another mouth to feed, unless it's somewhere on my own body, in which case yes I am ready
*finally gets let into the club*
Let me get one of them blue milks Aunt Beru be servin' on the moisture farmstead.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether they played the one true Becky on Roseanne or if they were the mid-series impostor.
A dog farts. A dad farts. A supermodel farts. Farts from all walks of life edited into a cool drum beat. The New Cantina Menu From Taco Bell
i'm pretty sure i have washboard abs. what is a washboard?
Coming to a Fuddruckers® near you: me
Looking to sell my sand dollar collection. DM me for details. Thanks, Jason.