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All of my biggest fears involve spiders:
-asking spider to prom
-giving big spider presentation
-trapped in elevator w/spiders
Whenever I see a woman driving a car and a man in the passenger seat I'm like, "nice".
Don’t stare directly at the sun unless you know you can win.
I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when they decided on the name "Jabbawockeez"
dude in the stall next to me peeing so hard it leads me to believe that a urinal cake probably murdered his parents
“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!” [Thelma and Louise drive DeLorean off of cliff much to Doc’s chagrin]
Relationship status: “I want to murder"
Haters: Thinking about writing that unauthorized biography of me? Go ahead because I will IMMEDIATELY authorize that shit because I ❤️ You.
FREE Porno Actor Names:
-Big D Roosevelt
-Little “Big” Caesar
-Sex Man, Jr.
I would describe my Twitter persona as “😎"
When I was your age I left home & joined Twitter. Sure there were some laughs. But then one day the RTs just…stopped. Anyways where to boss?
What if time travel happens & we inadvertently trigger the chain of events in We Didn’t Start The Fire & it turns out we DID start the fire?
"I could not be more pumped for today’s World Cup game!” -regulation soccer ball being used in today’s World Cup game
*leaves tweeting to the professionals*
“Ughhhh. None of my shirts are cool anymore!” -me, at a particularly vulnerable place in my life this morning
If you know me then you know I’m not FUCKING AROUND jk
Looking to sell my sand dollar collection. DM me for details. Thanks, Jason.