My dog just sneezed in my face and it’s just like do you even want to learn this bass part?

@busocco Wow, much appreciated! Definitely following @terry_hesticle and @j_m_cook now.

my whole thing is if god doesn’t want me to be eating all these ice cream sandwiches then like why am i awake right now you know

If it's major, hit me on my pager.

Damn girl are you a USB thumb drive? Because after a few failed insertion attempts, I want to successfully mount you on my desktop.

Keep DESTROYING my dog in laser tag. Now he's giving me these lame looks like, "Hey, I'm thirsty" and "I can't hold a laser gun". Pathetic.

X-men tryouts: "My name's Ultrasound" "Oh ok, so can you demolish buildings with a concussive sonic wave?" "No, I can see into your tummy."

Still not sure how my penis is finding time to work on its tan.

Imagine knowing how the stock market works.

Is it just me, or is my Social Security number 553-21-3697?

A Slip'n Slide™ that's dry and instead of sliding on your stomach it's sitting in your chair at work and instead of summer it's forever.

@busocco <3 <3 <3 <3

@busocco Respect

But isn't a reverse cowgirl just a cowboy…?

@stillings: "Feels like a Starbucks kind of day..." <---- SUPER RELATABLE. ANOTHER A+ TWEET FROM THE MASTER!!!

"The 80's were the best decade" -palm trees

Cool pic I took of a llama  http://instagram.com/p/ZQ6mDzCMcc/ 

what's a good sudoku podcast?

Just ripped a phone book in half in front of a bunch of college girls and they were all impressed like "Wow! Where did you get a phonebook?"

I successfully made my dog feel like a LOSER by climbing up this tree but I can't get down and he won't fetch me the ladder. Come get me?