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Meanwhile, Isis plummets to the bottom of the list of “Hottest Baby Names of 2014” much to the chagrin of Connor and Amanda.
While you’re updating that app, let me take a second to tell you about an “app” that never needs to be updated: it’s called The Holy Bible.
I'm thinking it's time to get into tech
Totally cool dude possessed by bearded overweight demon seeking beautiful young aerobics instructor to perform Jazzercism. Must love excuses
Starting a new diet where I only eat food sold in parlors
“Boooooo” -the ghost who haunts your dorm when you say you’re going to hang with your gf instead of doing jägerbombs and playing video games
f/m/k: Fuck Bone, marry Harmony, kill Thugs
Terminator 2: Judgement Day is overrated. An R just because we see one of the terminators butts? Shoulda been PG-13. Total Recall had 3 tits
Young people threaten me. Nightly. "We'll cut you", ominously, brandishing their shiny new blades. "Until you're obsolete", they promise.
All of my biggest fears involve spiders:
-asking spider to prom
-giving big spider presentation
-trapped in elevator w/spiders
Whenever I see a woman driving a car and a man in the passenger seat I'm like, "nice".
What Is My Hair Doing? (And Other Unanswerable Questions)
Don’t stare directly at the sun unless you know you can win.
I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when they decided on the name "Jabbawockeez"
dude in the stall next to me peeing so hard it leads me to believe that a urinal cake probably murdered his parents
“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!” [Thelma and Louise drive DeLorean off of cliff much to Doc’s chagrin]
Looking to sell my sand dollar collection. DM me for details. Thanks, Jason.