Whoever decided to put an "s" in the word "lisp" was just fucking mean.

Since joining Twitter I've learned a bit about the inner workings of the female mind. And it scares the fuck out of me.

Had sex with the wife this morning but please don't say anything, she doesn't know yet.

No matter how low my wife sets the bar I find some way to crawl under it.

My wifes new safe word. "Don't even fucking think about it"!!

I dont care much for phone sex. I tried it once and it got stuck in my ass.

My tummy makes a great awning for my penis. So I got that going for me.

Wifes all pissed at me now. She dropped her book behind the couch and her arm got stuck getting it.So of course I pulled down her pants.

I wouldn't piss up Chris Browns ass if his guts were on fire. #Grammys

Every time (and I mean every time) my wife touches the remote it takes us 10 minutes to figure out how to get the picture back.

Wife claims our waitress was flirting with me tonight. It wasn't really her fault, I guess I just need to tone down the sexy a bit.

Today is friday the 13th. Just to be on the safe side I'm gonna wear 2 pairs of underwear.

I thought that show "V" was supposed to be about giant alien vaginas. What a rip off.

I like my women the way I like my soap. Covered in pubic hair.

I put the "gas" in orgasm

Was gonna have hot morning sex with the wife. But then she woke up.

Tonight my boss left his cherished hard hat out.So I put a few "MY Little Pony" stickers on it.One must embrace the simple joys in life.

Sadly the only mark I've made in life is in my underwear.

I must confess, I once fell asleep during a blow job. And boy was that trucker ever pissed.

I take vitamins not for the health benefit, I just like how they make my pee turn real pretty colors.