@rsmallbone's most faved Tweets...
My erection lasted for more than 4 hours. I called my doctor, but he didn't seem too impressed, so I showed it to some people at the mall.
Juan is the loneliest plumber. Chu is just as sad as Juan. He's the loneliest plumber since the plumber Juan.
Blow jobs are like loading the dishwasher: if you ever want it done again, don't complain about the technique.
I'm an atheist, but I kinda get the feeling that God's putting together a killer Hollywood Squares cast.
Next time someone says thanks, respond with 'You're whale cum.'
If they call you on it, pretend to be appalled. Send me the video.
If they call you on it, pretend to be appalled. Send me the video.
I said, "I don't like the way you stare at me when I'm naked."
He said, "Sir, please leave the grocery store."
He said, "Sir, please leave the grocery store."
There are too few children's books that discuss sex honestly. I think my book, "Mommy's a Screamer, Daddy Likes It in the Ass", will help.
Discovered during our yard sale that I'd rather burn stuff and piss on it than sell it to rude people.
So our yard smells like burned pee.
So our yard smells like burned pee.
Told the cat that I bought her cat food.
Then I thought, "That was stupid. She just calls it 'food'."
Then I thought, "That was stupid. She just calls it 'food'."
You can take my pants, but you'll never take my...actually, no, carry on, I'd like to see where you're going with this.
No, you didn't "catch" me eating Cheez Whiz from the jar with a spoon. You were lucky enough to witness the spectacle in all its majesty.
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