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India has a population of 1.24 billion and zero Olympic medals so far. Too bad Spelling Bee or Inn Keeping isn't an Olympic event. #Olympics
My wife's superpower is asking me to do something 2 seconds after I've sat down.
Plans for Jurrassic Park 4 fell thru yesterday when it was announced that Cee-Lo Green turned down the role of lead T-Rex.
Jay-Z is the most influential & quoted philosopher of the 21st century if you were wondering how we were doing as a civilization.
Writing a Blog is a great way to remind yourself that no one cares what you have to say.
"Are kidneys located in your butt cheeks?" - my wife who clearly never went to Med School.
If you ever start a question with "Does this sound racist?" then don't even bother asking.
The saddest part of being a soldier must be the fact that Toby Keith has taken over the patriotic song niche from Bruce Springsteen.
A 15 year old girl just won a Gold Medal at the #Olympics. So, what have you done with your life?
Wearing a gold chain is a great way to let people know you'd like to be invited to a Nickleback concert.
Look, if you didn't want me pulling up large chunks of your grass, you probably shouldn't have a "Yard Sale," sign in your yard idiot.
Everyone who has a baby automatically thinks they're an expert on babies. Why? Everyone who has a car isn't automatically a mechanic.
This Weight Watcher pizza tastes like depression.
Meryl Streep has been a 50+ year old depressed white lady for the last 30 years. Vampire?
Redbox always seem like a good value until you realize every single movie you rent sits on your coffee table for at least 6 days.
True love is not wanting to kick a hole in the wall whenever your newborn son pees on your face.
The fact that the media cares what a fast food chain thinks about gay marriage is proof enough our country has hit rock bottom.
Congratulations to Miguel Cabrera, the first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed in 1978!