"Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like broke both your legs and shattered your pelvis." - How you pick up a girl in a wheelchair

Limbless people can't make snow angels, only snow peanuts. :(

When you throw up a 5 Hour Energy shot, you go back in time.

My favorite sex scene in a movie is when Precious steals that bucket of chicken.

No lights. No sounds. Only terror. Helen Keller: The Ride.

"Hi." - Me flirting

You know you're a whore when you're fat and popular.

Hey, white girls that get cornrows on vacation. NO.

A subtle way to tell someone they're getting fat is let them walk in on you fucking a cow and say "If you're Rebecca, then who's this?"

My favorite sexual position is crying and ice cream.

I don't understand why hot dogs come in packs of ten, but anal lube only comes in packs of 8. ;(

I was taught at a very young age that "a vowel is any sound you can make with a cock in your mouth". :(

I was gonna go to the gym but then I saw food.

My favorite Southern board game is Clue: Klux Klan edition.

More creepy men have told me they love me in my 2 months on Twitter than my parents ever have.

In Woman Vs. Wild, Beaver Grylls teaches women how to survive in the wild by whittling dildos and bitching to plants.

The ONLY reason I'll fart while a guy is eating me out is so he can't taste the dog's semen. ;(

Scarlett Johansson is a pretty good actress because boobs.

A good way to exterminate an endangered species is to teach them about masturbation and World of Warcraft.

Come here and feel up my unshaven, prickly legs and kiss my raw, just-waxed rash on my upper lip, boy. ;) - Me sexting