You know you've found the real Twitter when you're unfollowing boring celebs to follow normal people.

the only good thing about the divorce rate in this country is that eventually somebody you wanted will likely end up single again

I can't believe some women still make you wear condoms ... what is this, 1987?

twitter crush? i'm more like an illegal mexican fishing boat trawling the ocean with huge nets for any mermaid that gets trapped

Pinterest is like Tumblr for Soccer Moms

My Dell laptop is running slower than Oprah being chased by a cupcake monster.

My fav cologne is Italian, it's called Febreze, you prob haven't heard of it ...

I never saw plants breathe until i took hallucinogenics.

unfollowing every girl who seems to be under 18 is often a heart-rending decision

I love strippers, except for the ones related to me ... because then it's very sad and tragic

Picking up a stripper for free is very difficult unless you have a ton of tatts, a big sack of coke, a PhD in Thuganomics, or are a woman.

Life is a social experiment, and we're like the rise of the apes apes

One of the nicest things a girl ever said to me was "you can cum on my face ... or my tits"

The girl asked me if i wanted to "post up" with her, so I forearmed her in the chest and jumped and grabbed the highest beer bottle i could.

Stars are very nice, but i could use some RTs when i'm on a roll like today, bc i follow too many ppl.

I forgot to pay my child support, and Hulk Hogan came and repossessed my child.

i got this from @marialkanellis for the 4th of July - thx! Patriotic http://t.co/kSXNnggS

Movies that I won't be seeing this summer: Abe Lincoln Vampire Cunter, Magic Dyke, and SpiderMan Tween version

Hitting on married women is ok as long as their husband is not the murdering type.

I've dated so many single moms that I have a revolving credit account with Playskool