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Siri, add "Brunch with Kanye" to my calendar.
Compiling a list of celebs I want to see while they are all in town for the Super Bowl. So far I've only got John Stamos and Raven Symone.
Living in a dorm is awesome because every now and then something magical happens. Today's bit of magic is a giant human shit in the showers.
*sits down in confessional filled with genuine regret*
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
In 8th grade I bought a 3OH!3 song on ITunes.
Today is 4/20, which you may recognize as "the weed number." You may see some teens smoking pot. Report them to the police. Weed is a crime.
For some reason, every New Year's Day I wake up and just feel terrible. I can't figure out why.
What would be more white trash, naming my son Beer or my daughter Lexxi?
*yells into a megaphone* "I'M A GREAT CUDDLER & I CAN PRETEND TO LIKE GOSSIP GIRL" *sits down and waits for mob of women to swarm me*
In 4th grade I farted in class and my teacher Mrs. Pond sprayed febreeze on me and everyone laughed and I'm still very upset about it.
*lays in bed staring at the wall while hooked up to an IV of pure concentrated Brunch*
It's almost as if girls are completely uninterested in how good I am at twitter. I should have a wife, an ex-wife, and 3 kids by now.
3-step process for becoming a popular country musician
1) Have two first names.
2) Make terrible music that panders to idiots.
3) Make $$$.
There are people in this world whose favorite musician is Flo Rida. Think about how profoundly upsetting that is.
If y'all heard the rendition of R. Kelly's Ignition (Remix) I just sang in the shower you'd all be pregnant.
My tongue hurts. Why does my tongue hurt that's not even like a thing
List of loudest things in order: airhorn, gunshot, explosion, accidentally dropping a shampoo bottle from waist height in the shower.