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What did people do in awkward social situations before cell phones?
I quit Facebook today. It reminded me of quitting my 6th grade basketball team. I rarely contributed and my "friends" never talked to me.
Holding in sneezes is the gateway drug. Next thing you know, you'll be constipated and mute.
I have got to stop searching twitter for tweets related to the one I'm about to send. #fearofbeingunoriginal
No, I don't want skim milk in my sugar-free latte. I already made one sacrifice.
This mall smells like puberty.
May the forks be with you.
Variety is the spice of my life and sobriety is the vice of my wife.
"Your fly is open." "Oh yeah, well you just looked at my crotch."
Spilling breast milk is grounds for divorce.
My A.D.D. just told my O.C.D. to hurry up and send it already. It's just a tweet.
"Sometimes you gotta dance with the one that brung ya." -Don Draper
I'm not playing on my phone. I'm using the screen as a mirror to watch you stare at me playing on my phone.
The game is over when you become old enough to refer to times in your life by decade.
The very best thing about having a name that starts with A is listening to conversations recorded to my voicemail via pocket dial.
It's not bias when everybody but you agrees with me.
Vegetables make me want real food.
Apparently, nobody says 'apparently.'
I'm on the fence about jumping over.